“a good man is hard to find”- bessie smith
i havent been myself lately.. and i dont know why.
i’ve been really down- and i have no reason for it. i mean, of course i have been stressed- i have so many bills to pay and no money to pay them with: rent, visa, phone, utilities, vet bill… its just insane. I’ve been dwelling on it like no other lately, but i mean… i dont think thats the reason why im feeling this way, only because 2 weeks ago, i had to pay the same bills.. so why would it be bothering me now? it doesnt make any sense. but then, what about me does make sense?
i love how people seem to ‘understand me’ when they’re trying to get me to trust them. they condemn the people who supposedly take me for granted, and then when the time comes where i feel that they have hurt me in the same way- im no longer the ‘beautiful person’ they once knew. i wish people would stop wanting me for what they see- like i have previously wrote once before, you see the physical, and you want the material. you dont want me. me- with all the complications, the contradictions, the problems, and the knowledge. i have so much knowedge, and not only in an academic sense- in ways that you couldnt even begin to understand. im an old soul- and i know things that i dont want to know. i see things that i dont want to see, like the dream i had last night. but i digress.
how can one feel so alone when they are constantly surrounded by people? how does that happen? maybe because they drown in their own thoughts. thoughts that are too impure to voice, what would he think of me then? but then, what is it that i think that is so impure?
he makes me so happy- but then why am i so unhappy lately? it sure as hell has nothing to do with him- he’s perfect. when im lying in his arms at night, and the only thing i hear is his heart beat and his deep breathing, i cant remember a time when i was ever happier. but when im awake, i have to face the world, seemingly alone.
now i ask- how can anyone love someone like me? someone who could potentially have all the help in the world, but refuse to see that its there? because thats what i do. i see it so clearly now- i have always had someone there to help me whenever i needed it, but i never took it because i never saw it. was it because i was too blinded by my sadness to see clearly? sure that would be the ideal answer, the poetic answer, and i would love to say that its true- however, i really need to stop living “poetically” and start living realistically… the truth is that maybe i dont want help. i mean, i ask for it, and when im alone at night and cry myself to sleep, i really believe i want it… but when it all comes down to it, i like figuring things out on my own. i like picking myself up, not being picked up by someone else. maybe its my pride, maybe its my stubbornness… but i think that rationally, it may be because i know that there will be a time in my life when i really truely have no one there to help. everyone will be gone- because thats what always seems to happen- and if i know how to pick myself up now, knowing that if i fail there are people here to help me, then when that time comes where no one else is around, i can do it on my own.
and i can be stronger for it too.
god, i really need to stop analyzing things. i need to just listen to my own emotions and stop trying to figure them out. maybe thats my biggest problem, or maybe its that i can never shut up. even when i appear quiet, im driving myself crazy. how can you get away from your worst enemy when that person is yourself?
i dont know. but i know that i cant give up now- especially now that i have come this far.
i can feel myself starting to fall apart- and im not even trying to get a hold of myself right now.
the other night, i was with the one person on this earth who seems to understand me, and i cried. we were sitting on the docks of ‘little lake’ (i think thats what they call it), and all i could think of when i was looking at the water and the lit up fountain, was that not even a year ago, i was lost here. this town was so strange, and all i wanted to do was go home- but look at me now. i have come to know this town as home, along with my parents house… and i dont know if i like it or not. i think back to prom and i feel like a completely different person that i was then, i feel so much older.. then i think of the other smaller things playing on my mind, and even though i was in his arms, and could feel his warmth beside me, i cried. i remember looking into his eyes, and seeing the obvious concern… and there was nothing i could tell him he could do for me. how is that suppose to make him feel? i look at him, and i see everything i have ever wanted. i dont want this to ever stop with him. i see his smile and it lights up the dark corners of my mind. the way he laughs… i could kill someone who hurt him ever.. and here i am, hurting him. not intentionally- but it was happening. he is the only guy who seems to accept me for me, who knows who i am, who i really am, and yet… still loves me.
and though knowing that i have his heart fills me with an unimaginable and undescribable feeling of happiness, i still want to cry.
what is happening to me?
i’ve been really down- and i have no reason for it. i mean, of course i have been stressed- i have so many bills to pay and no money to pay them with: rent, visa, phone, utilities, vet bill… its just insane. I’ve been dwelling on it like no other lately, but i mean… i dont think thats the reason why im feeling this way, only because 2 weeks ago, i had to pay the same bills.. so why would it be bothering me now? it doesnt make any sense. but then, what about me does make sense?
i love how people seem to ‘understand me’ when they’re trying to get me to trust them. they condemn the people who supposedly take me for granted, and then when the time comes where i feel that they have hurt me in the same way- im no longer the ‘beautiful person’ they once knew. i wish people would stop wanting me for what they see- like i have previously wrote once before, you see the physical, and you want the material. you dont want me. me- with all the complications, the contradictions, the problems, and the knowledge. i have so much knowedge, and not only in an academic sense- in ways that you couldnt even begin to understand. im an old soul- and i know things that i dont want to know. i see things that i dont want to see, like the dream i had last night. but i digress.
how can one feel so alone when they are constantly surrounded by people? how does that happen? maybe because they drown in their own thoughts. thoughts that are too impure to voice, what would he think of me then? but then, what is it that i think that is so impure?
he makes me so happy- but then why am i so unhappy lately? it sure as hell has nothing to do with him- he’s perfect. when im lying in his arms at night, and the only thing i hear is his heart beat and his deep breathing, i cant remember a time when i was ever happier. but when im awake, i have to face the world, seemingly alone.
now i ask- how can anyone love someone like me? someone who could potentially have all the help in the world, but refuse to see that its there? because thats what i do. i see it so clearly now- i have always had someone there to help me whenever i needed it, but i never took it because i never saw it. was it because i was too blinded by my sadness to see clearly? sure that would be the ideal answer, the poetic answer, and i would love to say that its true- however, i really need to stop living “poetically” and start living realistically… the truth is that maybe i dont want help. i mean, i ask for it, and when im alone at night and cry myself to sleep, i really believe i want it… but when it all comes down to it, i like figuring things out on my own. i like picking myself up, not being picked up by someone else. maybe its my pride, maybe its my stubbornness… but i think that rationally, it may be because i know that there will be a time in my life when i really truely have no one there to help. everyone will be gone- because thats what always seems to happen- and if i know how to pick myself up now, knowing that if i fail there are people here to help me, then when that time comes where no one else is around, i can do it on my own.
and i can be stronger for it too.
god, i really need to stop analyzing things. i need to just listen to my own emotions and stop trying to figure them out. maybe thats my biggest problem, or maybe its that i can never shut up. even when i appear quiet, im driving myself crazy. how can you get away from your worst enemy when that person is yourself?
i dont know. but i know that i cant give up now- especially now that i have come this far.
i can feel myself starting to fall apart- and im not even trying to get a hold of myself right now.
the other night, i was with the one person on this earth who seems to understand me, and i cried. we were sitting on the docks of ‘little lake’ (i think thats what they call it), and all i could think of when i was looking at the water and the lit up fountain, was that not even a year ago, i was lost here. this town was so strange, and all i wanted to do was go home- but look at me now. i have come to know this town as home, along with my parents house… and i dont know if i like it or not. i think back to prom and i feel like a completely different person that i was then, i feel so much older.. then i think of the other smaller things playing on my mind, and even though i was in his arms, and could feel his warmth beside me, i cried. i remember looking into his eyes, and seeing the obvious concern… and there was nothing i could tell him he could do for me. how is that suppose to make him feel? i look at him, and i see everything i have ever wanted. i dont want this to ever stop with him. i see his smile and it lights up the dark corners of my mind. the way he laughs… i could kill someone who hurt him ever.. and here i am, hurting him. not intentionally- but it was happening. he is the only guy who seems to accept me for me, who knows who i am, who i really am, and yet… still loves me.
and though knowing that i have his heart fills me with an unimaginable and undescribable feeling of happiness, i still want to cry.
what is happening to me?
