oh, the mind of a writer..

Rain.
“water falling in drops from vapour condensed in the atmosphere”, as said by Google.
As said by me: purification, new beginnings, calmness.
It’s strange that something as simple as rain could mean so much to so many different people. Some find nothing but misery and depression in it, what with the grey sky, fog and wetness, however I feel quite the opposite about it.
Watching it fall, it creates almost a cascade of peace around me, making me calm and sorting out my thoughts. Soothing the sore ones, the hurtful ones, the pain; helping the good ones grow into something bigger, until the bad thoughts and feelings aren’t even present anymore. I’m always happiest when it’s raining.
Sitting in the library at my school, I can look out over the river that separates the campuses, and watch the rain drop into the water and the fog come up towards the trees. I should be writing an essay right now, but how can I when it’s such a pretty day outside?
I love the sun, don’t get me wrong, but this kind of weather is probably at the top of my list of favourite kinds.
And yet, im still alone.
Alone in what way, though? The tough part about that statement is I don’t really know how it is that I’m alone, just that it’s true.
I am always surrounded by so many people, living and dead, so physically or spiritually, I’m never alone. I have my family to talk to whenever I need to, my friends who will always provide me with funny stories and a good time, and an amazing boyfriend who will always, always keep a smile on my face and laughter coming out of my mouth. I can talk to him about everything and anything. So how am I alone?
Maybe I’m alone within myself. No one else perceives the world as I do, regardless of the unusual gift I have, just like I cannot perceive the world as that dark haired woman sitting a few cubicles away from me. My private thoughts are things that cannot be understood easily, because once these thoughts escape my mouth they’re tainted with language and perception. They sound different in my head, they sound sane.. They sound funny.. They sound happy, or sad.. But when they escape out into this world, they no longer sound as they should. They don’t sound like my thoughts anymore, but rather the thoughts of the general public.
The wonderful thing about writing though, is that I can get my private thoughts down on paper, and when I read it over I still feel the same fondness for them. They’re no longer tainted to me. This may sound strange, because in reality, these words that you are reading through your computer screen are tainted. The minute your eyes pass over them, comprehend them.. They are no longer mine, because you will take it differently. You will read it and relate to it through your own experiences or emotions, when these words are here to express my feelings and emotions, which could not possibly be the same as yours. They may have similarities, but you will never feel how I feel; I will never feel how you feel.
We are all alone in this world. Left to our own devices, thoughts and perceptions.
Completely isolated in your mind, though never in your body. Sometimes in your emotions. But always in your thoughts.

Hmmm. I love the rain.

-Amber Christina

for the first time in days, weeks even, i feel like myself.
the heaviness of those creatures is gone today, and i see them no where. The only things i see are the physical things around me, and the spirits whom i love.
i feel like today, i can breathe without the weight of anxiety and fear, without the weight of problems running through my mind. i can see clearly; i look outside and i no longer see the darkness around everything, nor do i see the terrible fate that everything eventually has to answer to: death.
all i see is beauty and happiness; i feel so light.
this must be a relief to those who have been here with me though the last few weeks.. because i know i wasn’t my usual happy go-lucky crazy self, and (especially now that i dont have that threat of ‘depression’ and darkness creeping up behind me) i see how much that must have effected the people who love me.
I feel a sense of guilt for having put them through that.. it’s always a worry of mine, no matter the state of mind im in or what is going on, that i will quickly go from someone’s ‘everything’ or the cause of someone’s happiness to the cause of their worry, the cause of their problems, their darkness and their resentment. because that is something i would never want to be to someone.
i’ve been really worried lately, about many different things, some of which i have mentioned in previous blogs. I was worried that i would be consumed, eaten up by these demons. i was worried that i’m not smart enough to pull off what i would like to in life, and (one of my biggest worries) the effect that all this is causing on those i love.
i was so concerned about how this is effecting my mom. Out of all the people in my family, it is her that i worry about when it comes to this. i worry about my brother, of course.. i worry that they will go to him, effect him directly.. that is something i couldn’t bear; something i wouldn’t let happen. but with my mom, i was worried that i was causing nothing but concern, worry and stress for her- especially since she has enough of that as it is.
and, secondly (this being the biggest worry to me recently) how this, or how I am effecting C. he has been absolutely amazing throughout all this.. but everyone has that point where they just can’t take anymore.. and, for that reason… i wish i wasnt like this. it would make life so much easier, as well as staying in love with me so much easier, if i didn’t have these problem’s breathing down my neck. I try and hide the fact that it bothers me so much from him, so that he doesn’t have to worry about my mental well being, but the thing with that is, i know he can see right through that. He knows me better then anyone, excluding my mom, and because of that he know’s when im actually completely happy or when im holding something back or inside. I know he can tell this difference, because 1) he’ll point it out, and 2) i can see the concern in his eyes. i dont even have to pick up his hand and see for myself if he can see the difference, because it’s obvious he can. 
I hate thinking about the fact that i may become another ‘J’ to him, because, for one, i dont want to put him through all that again, i dont want myself to be in that situation, and of course because i wouldn’t ever let what happened to her happen to me. I am the type of person who refuses to give up when i am reaching for a goal, and in that kind of case, my goal would be getting myself ‘put back together’ so to speak. I have fallen apart before, and in turn, have put myself back together. it wasn’t a fun experience, but an important one nonetheless, because now i know how much i can do for myself, as well as how to prevent it from happening again. i know that i am strong enough to be on my own- i dont need him to be my ‘mom’… i dont need him to worry about me. i dont need him to protect me from myself, because i dont need to be protected from myself. i am not dependent on anyone, because really.. where will that dependency get you? when or if that person leaves, you’re left alone and vulnerable.. a place where i do not intend on going. so, even though i know i can depend on him in this sense, i dont have to, nor do i want to. i want him for what he is: an intelligent mind, a caring and very talented and opinionated person. i dont want to lean on him, i want to stand beside him.
And anyway, he deserves someone who is capable of handling their problems in a way that wont result in a mental breakdown, self mutilation, drugs (both illegal and non-illegal), and all the problems that go with it. He deserves someone who is able to take care of themselves instead of depending on someone else to do it for them.
i just want to be perceived as i really am. and i know he is one of the only people who can see that.
In all though, i feel as if i am back on the right track, so to speak. i can see everything that is going on around me so clearly; i know that i’m going to be okay, no matter what happens. i know that i wont let those creatures consume me and my life, because i love my life, every aspect of it, too much to give it up to anyone, and im curious as to what will happen next. i know i can get through anything. I know that school will be fine. i know that i will become what i aspire to be in life, because i won’t stop until i have what i want- no matter how hard i’ll have to work.
i’m happy. and i’m going to make sure it stays this way.

-Amber Christina

Why are they doing this? What did I do that was so wrong? What did I do to offend them this much?
I’ll start off with school. It seems that no matter how many assignments, readings and essays I get done, there is always more. I’m constantly in the library doing work, sometimes to the point where I forget to eat (and usually, C comes in and somehow reminds me that I haven’t eaten). But what’s worse- it feels like no matter how hard I try, with assignments, tests, readings and essays, it’s never good enough. I never get the marks I would like to get. I try and do better, put more effort into it and so on, and it never helps. I act so laid back about this to everyone, but in reality.. It bothers me so much. What more can I do? Was I really cut out for this? Can I really become the ideal person I’d like to be? Is it enough to just enjoy philosophy? It doesn’t feel like it.
And this anxiety, these demons… The way they are interrupting my life, consuming my thoughts and day to day routine has to stop. I can’t let them distract me anymore.
What did I ever do to my uncle to make him hate me to the point that he wants to curse me and make me miserable? What did I do to Elaine to make her hate me so much that she would try anything and everything she could to try and hurt me, torment me and make me crazy?
I know it’s bad that I’m letting this get to me this much..
But it’s one thing to say “surround yourself in white light”, “think positively”, “Push away the demons” then to actually try and do it.. Because it’s so hard. Harder then most would think, because when they are around the last thing you do is think logically.
All you can see is their broken and disfigured bodies shakily moving towards you, their faces constantly disfiguring and twisting into something you’ve never seen before.
All you hear is their voices, growls and sound. Static noise that you’re sure must have made sense at some point. The people around you, the sound the pen makes while writing on paper, the flipping pages, the clicking mousses and the typing of the key board. All these sounds merge into one and become so loud that all you want to do is cover your ears and scream.
Sleeping is another matter entirely. If they’re not keeping you awake by touching you with their burning pins-and-needles fingers, they’re invading your dreams and showing you murder scenes of those you love.
So tell me, what drives hate such as this? What could I have ever done to make my own uncle and my mom’s ex-best friend hate me so much? I’m racking my brain, trying to think of even the smallest incident that could have motivated them to do this to me, but I can’t think of one. I have always been respectful towards my uncle, have always stuck up for him, and have always tried to help him. As for Elaine, I have always laughed and joked with her, have always thanked her for the nice things she has done for me and my family, and have always helped her in anyway I could, whether it be through free readings, free house clearings… anything.
Call this blog self-pity if you’d like, and perhaps you’re right in doing so. But you don’t know what it’s like to deal with all these things, all the time. You don’t know how drained I am right now, how upset this makes me. I’m tired. I’m tired of life, of this and of the drama. I just want to sleep and not wake up until it’s all over. But I’m realistic, I know I can’t do that.. And I know I’m one of the only people who could put an end to it all.. At this point though, I have a mind to tell Naiemah to go and haunt them. To make them feel how I feel. Now, imagine feeling all that and having to put a smile on your face; pretend everything is okay and your not torn up inside. Like your not constantly on the verge of tears.
So go ahead, call this self pity.
But before I start to call this a breakdown, I’m going to go talk to my mom. I’m sick of crying alone.

-Amber Christina.

As time goes by, I seem to be more and more open about what I see and do. Last night, I missed my stop on the bus, and had to go all the way back to school so I could wait for my stop to come around again… I’m not sure why I missed it, it’s not hard to see coming, but I suppose I was lost in my thoughts about Therissa, Naiemah, the gypsy and all the problems and advantages that go along with all three.

I get back to the school, and I remain on the bus… and who do I see walking up the isle? A (new) friend of mine, B, who I affectionately refer to as my ‘smoker buddy’. She sits beside me, and after talking for about 5 minutes, she asks me if I want to come over for some tea and a cigarette. I agree, and the next thing I know, we’re sitting on her bed, with our tea, and I’m giving her a short reading.

A year ago, this would have never taken place… a year ago, I was too busy hiding who I really am to notice that people are put into my life for a reason, and among many other reasons, the main one is to know me, and everything that goes with it.

I was so different last year then I had been during high school, mainly in maturity and my views on the world… and this year, it seems, I have changed yet again… not drastically, but in subtle differences that one would only notice if they knew mostly everything about me. For one, I am no longer ‘run’ on Prozac. My piece of mind no longer depends on how fast a pharmacist can get a hold of my doctor to refill my prescription, and for that I am grateful. I am natural, as God made me and intended me to be.

I no longer trust those who aren’t worthy of my trust (at least for the most part) and I no longer put my happiness in their hands. I don’t take things to heart as easily, and for once, I know who my friends are. I know who I can trust, but that doesn’t mean shutting out everyone else.

Lastly, I am more open about who I am. I’m open about my past experiences, good and bad, and am not afraid to help people, both in the common way and in my own way- my unique gift that was put there for just that purpose.

I feel so comfortable with my life and how it’s going right now, though I’ll admit that I am slightly stressed out about various things, both having to do with this world and the other. But I’m alright with that, because it not only keeps me on my toes… its way better then being bored all the time!

I am who I am, and I do what I do… and for the first time, I’m actually okay with it.

 

-Amber Christina

I saw her today.
The events that have taken place, or almost taken place in the last 24 hours have been ridiculous.. And whats worse, is I don’t know if its ridiculous in a good way or a bad way.
I’ll start off with yesterday. I had been feeling a little better about things, starting to come to terms with Therissa being gone (though not completely.. I was still missing her a lot), and even starting to talk to Naiemah a little bit more. Then I came home. The energy in the house felt different right from the minute I walked through the door, but because I had to work in less then 20 minutes, I didn’t want to deal with whatever was going on at home, or whoever was waiting for me. When I got home from work, I had avoided my room completely (that was were the energy was strongest), and the one time I had went in my room, to get my blanket and pillow so I could sleep on the couch in the tv room, I had only allowed myself to look around the room enough to see the back of someone walking into the closet.
That was quite enough for me.
It’s been a while since I had that strong feeling of fear and anxiety, and I wasn’t about to find out where or who it was coming from.
So, I had slept on the couch last night.
And this morning, I had found out that my cousin’s grandfather had passed away last night.
When I went to my nana’s for dinner, I had the highest feeling of anxiety- but not the kind that I had felt in my room.. A different kind. The kind you feel when you know you’ve done something wrong, or that the news your about to tell someone is news that they don’t want to hear. But I refused to let myself see anyone.. Whenever I would come close, I looked away.
I didn’t want to see anyone, or deal with anything from that aspect of the world without my best friend.. I didn’t want to be a part of that world without Therissa beside me.
I ended up calling C because I couldn’t handle what I was feeling. I didn’t know what to do, and how to deal with it.. I mean, I had always had Therissa to help me figure out how to deal with things like that, and with her gone, I had no clue what to do.
He helped me as much as he could, which was quite a lot to me.. Told me to ground myself, and listen to Naiemah. I did both, and ended up feeling much better.
And, now that I know exactly how much his advice helped me for not only tonight, but for the remaining days that Therissa is gone for too..
Because of his advice, I was able to look up and allow myself to see Therissa standing in the kitchen doorway. She was standing there, eyes filled with tears, looking at me and smiling.
My Therissa.. My best friend. I saw her again.
I couldn’t help but to cry, because I was so happy and so sad at the same time.
I went into the next room and talked to her. And she filled me in on everything.
She has left me for a little while to help protect me, and has left me with Naiemah. Not only will I have Naiemah for the rest of my life, but when this trouble in the spirit world blows over, I’ll have my best friend back too.
As long as I promised not to yell at her for leaving without an explanation.
I am actually so happy, knowing that Therissa is coming back. Knowing that I wont have to be without her forever.
Though I still miss her, I feel as if I am able to keep moving forward… because when she comes back, I know she’ll be waiting to hear gossip about things that have happened while she’s been gone.
This has got to be the best news I could have ever gotten today.
So now, I just need to get myself to stop crying, because I know everything will be okay.

-Amber Christina

weakness and loneliness seem to be my only traits since Therissa has been gone.. and now, there seems to be another word added into that mix.. bitterness, or “bitch”, if you will.
Ok, i’ll admit it.. C, you’re right (as always), and i knew that when you said it.
I know i’m not treating her with kindness and respect. I know i’m not acting like myself right now, especially in that sense, because since when do i not want to talk to potentially interesting people who have done me no wrong. Normally, I’d be interested in what she has to tell me, teach me and show me. I would be asking her questions, getting her to tell me stories from her lifetime, and of course, ecstatically telling you all about it.. but i just can’t bring myself to face reality right now. I can’t bring myself to accept that Therissa has stepped out of my life- no matter if its for a short while or a long while. I feel incomplete without her. Everything you pointed out about this unique ’situation’ of mine made sense, and everything you said was right.
But I just can’t help but to feel a little resentful towards this new woman. I dont want to acknowledge her presence in my recently distraught world. I don’t want to look at her, hear her or speak to her. I know i’m being unfair, because I know it wasn’t her fault that Therissa had to go. She gives me no strange-bad feelings, and has relieved my anxiety. But not my tears.
being alone with her seems strange, but the type if strange i have never felt before. I feel like i have just come out of a Jamaican shower of sorts, involving an unusually large amount of pot.. i’m sleepy, awake, relaxed and tense all at the same time. words keep flowing out of my finger tips, creating a mass of sentences and truths about myself that i never knew existed. my head feels like a light lead block, ready to fall over at any minute, and my eyes just keep wanting to close. i can feel even the slightest movement, and hear everything around me with a disturbing kind of sharpness. Every movement seems to catch my eye and shake me a little, and my hands seem to find their way back to each other, transferring my energy with hers. With Naiemah’s.
She really is stunning, just like Therissa was.. but in a different way. Therissa was glamorous. Naiemah is very natural looking, wearing a dark purple skirt that goes to the floor and no shoes. Black hair, though i’m not sure of the length, and high cheekbones. Hazel eyes so dark, they appear to be black and a dark olive complexion. She’s beautiful, and seems genuinely nice.. but she is not Therissa, nor will she ever be.
I feel like, had i not known Therissa as well as i did, Naiemah and I could have been good friends. but now that i know what they are willing to do, i want no part of it- who’s to say that once i get as close to her as i was with Therissa that they wont take her away as well?
You know one of the biggest things that is pissing me off about this whole thing? the amount i have done for that side. How much of my life, my actual normal life i have sacrificed for them. to help them. I have helped so many people communicate to their dead loved ones, help accept the turn their life was taking, and warn them of things to come. I have spent so much of my energy helping the dead cross over, figure out their problems, and relay messages.. not once have i hurt anyone with this gift of mine- slightly alter their lives, yes.. but not hurt… and what is the thanks i get? they take away a spirit who has become a part of me and replace her with someone who i dont know.. someone who at this point, i have no interest in getting to know.
God, I hate doing this… dwelling on the bad, being angry and hateful, and just all around drowning in my own sadness and despair. I wish i could just go back to normal: happy and full of energy and thoughts. Like those annoying AM radio stations that never stop talking, not even to take a breath..(kind of like Therissa was). but lately, i find i have nothing to say thats worth while. Every thought in my head is about Therissa, and my own self pity because she’s gone. I know you were trying to help me cheer up today, C, and i really appreciate it. But if i get to be too much, with my hatefulness and anger toward that world and all the spirits in it, just let me know and i’ll try not to project it as much. It can be overwhelming, that negativity of mine, and i do apologize. but just so you know, one thing you did help me with, other then helping me laugh by dancing (haha), is to listen to what she has to say and stop being such a bitch.
Since you left, I have listened, though still not as much as she or anyone else would like, and tried not to blame her. Tried to comprehend what she is saying, and have been trying not to be rude with my responses.. though i cannot guarantee anything.
but even though it seems my new guide has arrived (soon to be followed by another, i am told), there is still that hole inside me, a gaping emptiness that only Therissa can fix.
I’m still broken hearted about the loss of my best friend.. but, as Therissa always used to say, “usted puede enfurrunarse solamente para así que desee, usted sabe. Ahora pare el actuar como un nino sin el caramelo, y la sonrisa” [you can only sulk for so long, you know. Now stop acting like a small child without their candy, and smile.]… how i do miss her annoying chatter.
good night.

-Amber Christina.

“Saiba que ninguem tentarao substituir sempre Therissa, porque ninguem podem. Deixe-me dentro, e deixe-me ajudar… eu nao estou indo em qualquer lugar. Eu espero que nos possamos ser amigos bons eventualmente. Eu dar-lhe-ei tanta hora como voce necessita. Seu amigo, Naiemah”.

i wish i was as strong as i pretend to be.
something is wrong, i can feel it in every inch of my body.. but with who? me? C? my family? i wish i knew.
the gypsy is on her way back.. and ever since i found out, i’ve been on the verge of tears.
i can feel her making her way back, getting closer and warmer.. i can hear her humming that tormenting song that has no words.. i can smell her. the scent of jasmine, fire and decay. of burning blood and flesh. rotting corpses and the sweet smell of her breath. i hear it in the trees, feel it in my bones.. and i don’t know how to stop her. i don’t know how to control my fear. because i’m scared shitless.. of her, what she can do to me and the people around me, and of myself. i’m scared of what she’ll make me do… i’m scared of what my fear and anger will make me do to those girls.
the witches who are sending her to me, or trying to.. and trust me, this woman doesn’t need much persuasion when it comes to getting to me.
the anxiety is building now, and so are the tears. how can i stop this?
i know that i could rip apart their world from the seams if i’m inclined to do so.. i know the damage i could cause, but i don’t want to have to go there. anger is telling me to do it, reason is telling me not to. so for now, my reason is winning, but if they push me too far my temper will get the better of me. and though they are playing with fire, i want it to be them who tears their world apart- i dont want to be responsible for ther world ripping apart at the seams, the loss of their gifts, the loss of their minds, and their unavoidable breakdown, because if the gypsy finds her way back to me i’ll have to consentrate on the prevention of my own breakdown… because i dont want to fall apart when i’ve already put myself back together.
i’m trying my best to act like this isn’t getting to me, to act like i’m not afraid, that i’m strong and not so worried.. i’m trying so hard to put on a happy face that no one can see through, but the truth is that i can’t stop thinking about the inevidable.
and whats worse is that i dont want to tell all these feelings to those i’m close to and whom i love.. why? well, a number of reasons, the strongest being 1) i hate the look of sympathy and the akward “it’s gonna be alright” words of unsure comfort that would be given when i let my wall of fake strength fall and start to cry, because i know it’s not going to be alright.. and 2) i dont want them to feel like they have to take care of me. i dont want to be their burden when i’m already my own. i dont want them to worry about me. i dont want them to see how weak i really am.
and for once, i really wish i could hear Therissa’s witty comments, rude sayings and annoying talking..
its unsettling to be left in silence when i haven’t been for over 4 years. she left yesterday and hasn’t come back yet… she’s never left for more then 5 minutes since i first met her when i was 14… where is she?
that whole unknown world of the spiritual is going crazy lately.. and it’s making me crazy as well. the things i’m hearing and seeing don’t make any sense to me, and the feelings i get are upsetting.
its like something that starts out very big just shrinks into being small right infront of me- so small that i can barely see it, let alone touch it.. leaving me alone and confused and wondering what happened, and what i’m suppose to do about it.. it doesn’t make sense, i know. thats why i have never tried explaining the feeling before, but it’s as if my whole stomache is falling out because of anxiety..
and my mind is going with it.
i need someone to save me from this darkness.. and the worst part is that i dont think anyone can.

-Amber Christina