‘default’
You know, its funny… when I was a little girl, I never thought I would ever find anyone who could chase away my fears and make me feel better about things that were bringing me down or make me smile like my mom could. Whenever I had a nightmare, whenever something went wrong, whether it be school, friends, boyfriends or spirits, she was the only person who I could always count on to be there; the only person who would understand and talk me through it. She was always the first person to pop into my head to call, to talk to.
It’s 12:45am, and I find myself in a sticky situation, yet again. A spirit has presented herself to me for the second time since yesterday, telling me things that I know are not true, showing me things that I know could never happen; will never happen. She’s not what she seems, she’s something more- or maybe less. In any case, I’m in another dilemma. Before I met him, I would be resorting to my default setting; I would already be on the phone with my mom, having her talk me through what to say to this deceiving spirit; following her every instruction to make it go away. Afterwards, I would sit up talking to her for another hour or so, depending on how much that particular spirit got to me, letting her calm me down enough to go back to sleep. Letting her make me laugh and smile and realize that everything is alright, no matter what that spirit told me.
It seems, though, that my default setting has altered a bit.
I will always love my mother; always turn to her when I am in trouble… but it seems that the first person I want to call right now, as I am being bothered by this spirit, is no longer my mother, but instead my boyfriend. The only other person besides my mom who understands what I see, what I hear and what I live with. The only other person who seems to be able to keep a smile on my face without having to put much effort into it; the only person who knows how to calm me down and make me happy again.
His reason and rationality seems to have rubbed off on me, though.
Before, the things that I am being told right now would be tearing me up inside. They would be getting to me more then they should, and even though I knew that then, I still couldn’t help myself from listening… and believing. But now, I find myself analyzing everything this spirit is telling me, using reason and logic to decipher what she is really saying to me. Listening to her in a way that she obviously doesn’t know I can.
She’s not hurting me in any way. She’s not making me upset. She’s not leaving a huge impression. But she is triggering my anger; my temper… and that seems to be the reason why my default has kicked in.
My default. The phrase kind of makes me laugh; he is more then just a default setting to turn to when I need some help or need to talk. He’s more then just a boyfriend to me.. Boyfriends, in my experience, mean next to nothing. They’re an irritation, an obligation to attend to. But not him. C doesn’t even come close to that; he’s far from an irritation, and I think its quite obvious he’s not an obligation.
So now, it seems that he is no longer a default in the way that my mom was. Instead, my default setting is to call and make sure he is okay, to make sure she hasn’t gone to bother him when she realized she couldn’t bother me. I know he’s alright, I know he always will be. But, I also know, its hard to fight something you can’t see.
-Amber Christina
Posted by
at
04:51:03
