oh, the mind of a writer..

how do you forgive someone who’s screwed you over more then once?

I’m lost in my own feelings and mind. Feeling an odd mixture of emotions that not only contradict each other, but also make no sense. Happiness, sadness, grief, anxiety, contentment and anger. I don’t know which emotions are my own, or which are reminiscence of the spirit who was here only a few hours ago. I don’t know if it’s foreshadowing anything or if I’ve picked it up from my father’s friend who’s come to stay, or even from C… perhaps its from the negative energy that has been surrounding me recently. Perhaps it’s nothing; perhaps I’m just tired and need some sleep.
Whatever the case, this tea isn’t helping. If anything, it’s just mucking up my thoughts even more then they are.
Flashbacks of happy times are going through my head, and I find myself concentrating on and absorbed in these flashbacks, in spite of the loud laughter and chatter coming from the kitchen (a room that is only separated from me by a thin wall and a wood door).
Thinking of high school, skipping class to go chill in the grave yard with friends. The grave yard was (and still is) my favourite place to go and think.. To go and relax. It’s so peaceful and quiet… and when I’m alone, it can be interesting as well. The spirits that linger in a grave yard are very interesting and content for the most part; they’re not surrounded in fog or smoke. They’re not upset or angry, wanting nothing more then to hurt or scare me. No, most of them just want to have a regular conversation. Just want someone to laugh with or to chill with. I don’t tell many people this, but that’s the place I used to go and get high during class. Smoke some pot and just chill. Where I would sit on the grass (or benches on those mild winter days) near the graves and wait for the numbness to settle in. but it’s not the kind of numbness that’s unsettling, it’s the kind that let’s me think clearer. Let’s me hear clearer. And that’s when I would have those really interesting conversations. Sometimes I would lie really still in the grass with my eyes closed, just trying to feel my surroundings. Trying to feel the way the grass caresses my legs and arms, the way it feels when it brushes up against me, and the way it feels to lie down on it. Slightly damp and soft. I used to try and feel the breeze, try and feel the smells and the sounds. The smell of sweet grass and musky old grave stones with mould growing it’s way around the old monument. Feel the sounds of the birds chirping, the wind moving through the trees, the cars in the distance. Feel the spirits coming closer and sitting beside me. Feel their curious hands poking me in the leg, brushing my hair back. Feel them speak to me. Just feel. Feel.
Flashbacks of last year. Of last year’s laughing, singing, dancing and drunken nights. Of M and D getting ready to go to the bars while I chilled with them and talked about everything and nothing, laughing the whole time. Of Halloween and my random one night stands. ’Simon the fish’ was it, D? of coming home after a terrible day to find M and D in their adjoining rooms, both equally as frustrated/tired/upset as I was, and talking to them about it after or before listening to how their day went, then laughing about the stupidity of it all. Of watching The Hills and America’s Next Top Model with them. Of D’s amazing advice and thoughtfulness, and M and mine’s walks. Our random conversations- “and that, my friend, is a dead squirrel”.  Of ‘studying philosophy’ with Plato and how much fun him and I used to have with our so called philosophy, and how happy I was in spite of all the bad times.
Flashbacks of talking until 4 or 5 in the morning with MetalD, laughing about the most ridiculous things and mourning our losses together. Sharing everything about ourselves to one another, and feeling no shame or guilt in doing so. About the one time when he came over just before Christmas and we stayed up all night and all day talking, crying, laughing and just overall enjoying each other’s company.
Flashbacks of Arizona and the peace I felt while being there.
Of summertime, of fall when G first moved in and all our random, hyper fun. Of those nights (that still occur quite frequently) where one of us, or both of us can’t sleep so we stay up smoking, talking and laughing.
Flashbacks of when I first met C, the way he was sitting there against the stone wall at our university, smoking before class. The first time I chilled with C, when I gave him a reading, and the overwhelming feeling of attraction that came over me while holding his hand. And the ridiculously strong feeling to lean over and kiss him. Flashbacks of the first time we kissed, and how ridiculously happy he made me. The first time he seduced me (yes, you read that right. He seduced me!). When we would stay up until odd hours of the morning talking about everything and nothing all at the same time. Like the times we stayed up until 5:30am (just before exams) talking about our unique beliefs and gifts, when we stayed up until 3:30am smoking and discussing how our horror movie would go if we were to make one, or when we stayed up until 4am laughing about nonsense, like what would happen if him and I were to walk into a candy store, me pretending to be very pregnant and very hormonal demanding candy with no artificial flavouring, and C looking very abused and sketchy. Like the time when we talked about how if we were to ever have a house, our room would have to have a latch in the floor that opened up to being a slide that led strait to the pool in the back yard. Flashbacks of the first time he told me he loved me, and my drunken “I love you, in case I forgot to mention it earlier” reply. Thinking of the way he looks at me that completely melts my heart. Thinking of how much fun we have together, and how comfortable I am with him… and mostly, how happy we make each other. How happy he makes me. How easy it is for him to make me smile, and keep me smiling. How much I love and adore him.
Flashbacks.
Oh, how I adore them when I’m feeling odd and disoriented.
The anxiety has subsided. The sadness dwindling away.
I think I’ll go join the chatter now, and then perhaps go to sleep.
Good night.

-Amber Christina
-February  20th, 2009; 11:35pm

Laughing. I hear laughing and crying; I don’t know who it is and I don’t know why it’s happening… but I’m not scared. I don’t feel uneasy, I don’t feel afraid, I don’t feel upset in anyway. I feel normal, calm. And confused. I can’t place a face or body to these sounds, but I know it’s coming from this house, somewhere upstairs, outside my room. When I open my door, I see no one.
I’m alone in the house, my roommates are gone; the dog is gone. It’s only me and my cat.
And someone crying. Someone laughing.
A child, a little girl I think. But I cant be sure, because she keeps hiding. Running and hiding, like she’s playing a game.
And really, tonight, I don’t mind playing her little game. I don’t mind laughing with her, hiding with her, talking with her.
I just wish she would come in my room and actually talk to me.
Tell me why she’s here.
Why she’s crying.
I want to help.
But I cant help if she doesn’t want me to.

-Amber Christina

Rain.
“water falling in drops from vapour condensed in the atmosphere”, as said by Google.
As said by me: purification, new beginnings, calmness.
It’s strange that something as simple as rain could mean so much to so many different people. Some find nothing but misery and depression in it, what with the grey sky, fog and wetness, however I feel quite the opposite about it.
Watching it fall, it creates almost a cascade of peace around me, making me calm and sorting out my thoughts. Soothing the sore ones, the hurtful ones, the pain; helping the good ones grow into something bigger, until the bad thoughts and feelings aren’t even present anymore. I’m always happiest when it’s raining.
Sitting in the library at my school, I can look out over the river that separates the campuses, and watch the rain drop into the water and the fog come up towards the trees. I should be writing an essay right now, but how can I when it’s such a pretty day outside?
I love the sun, don’t get me wrong, but this kind of weather is probably at the top of my list of favourite kinds.
And yet, im still alone.
Alone in what way, though? The tough part about that statement is I don’t really know how it is that I’m alone, just that it’s true.
I am always surrounded by so many people, living and dead, so physically or spiritually, I’m never alone. I have my family to talk to whenever I need to, my friends who will always provide me with funny stories and a good time, and an amazing boyfriend who will always, always keep a smile on my face and laughter coming out of my mouth. I can talk to him about everything and anything. So how am I alone?
Maybe I’m alone within myself. No one else perceives the world as I do, regardless of the unusual gift I have, just like I cannot perceive the world as that dark haired woman sitting a few cubicles away from me. My private thoughts are things that cannot be understood easily, because once these thoughts escape my mouth they’re tainted with language and perception. They sound different in my head, they sound sane.. They sound funny.. They sound happy, or sad.. But when they escape out into this world, they no longer sound as they should. They don’t sound like my thoughts anymore, but rather the thoughts of the general public.
The wonderful thing about writing though, is that I can get my private thoughts down on paper, and when I read it over I still feel the same fondness for them. They’re no longer tainted to me. This may sound strange, because in reality, these words that you are reading through your computer screen are tainted. The minute your eyes pass over them, comprehend them.. They are no longer mine, because you will take it differently. You will read it and relate to it through your own experiences or emotions, when these words are here to express my feelings and emotions, which could not possibly be the same as yours. They may have similarities, but you will never feel how I feel; I will never feel how you feel.
We are all alone in this world. Left to our own devices, thoughts and perceptions.
Completely isolated in your mind, though never in your body. Sometimes in your emotions. But always in your thoughts.

Hmmm. I love the rain.

-Amber Christina

for the first time in days, weeks even, i feel like myself.
the heaviness of those creatures is gone today, and i see them no where. The only things i see are the physical things around me, and the spirits whom i love.
i feel like today, i can breathe without the weight of anxiety and fear, without the weight of problems running through my mind. i can see clearly; i look outside and i no longer see the darkness around everything, nor do i see the terrible fate that everything eventually has to answer to: death.
all i see is beauty and happiness; i feel so light.
this must be a relief to those who have been here with me though the last few weeks.. because i know i wasn’t my usual happy go-lucky crazy self, and (especially now that i dont have that threat of ‘depression’ and darkness creeping up behind me) i see how much that must have effected the people who love me.
I feel a sense of guilt for having put them through that.. it’s always a worry of mine, no matter the state of mind im in or what is going on, that i will quickly go from someone’s ‘everything’ or the cause of someone’s happiness to the cause of their worry, the cause of their problems, their darkness and their resentment. because that is something i would never want to be to someone.
i’ve been really worried lately, about many different things, some of which i have mentioned in previous blogs. I was worried that i would be consumed, eaten up by these demons. i was worried that i’m not smart enough to pull off what i would like to in life, and (one of my biggest worries) the effect that all this is causing on those i love.
i was so concerned about how this is effecting my mom. Out of all the people in my family, it is her that i worry about when it comes to this. i worry about my brother, of course.. i worry that they will go to him, effect him directly.. that is something i couldn’t bear; something i wouldn’t let happen. but with my mom, i was worried that i was causing nothing but concern, worry and stress for her- especially since she has enough of that as it is.
and, secondly (this being the biggest worry to me recently) how this, or how I am effecting C. he has been absolutely amazing throughout all this.. but everyone has that point where they just can’t take anymore.. and, for that reason… i wish i wasnt like this. it would make life so much easier, as well as staying in love with me so much easier, if i didn’t have these problem’s breathing down my neck. I try and hide the fact that it bothers me so much from him, so that he doesn’t have to worry about my mental well being, but the thing with that is, i know he can see right through that. He knows me better then anyone, excluding my mom, and because of that he know’s when im actually completely happy or when im holding something back or inside. I know he can tell this difference, because 1) he’ll point it out, and 2) i can see the concern in his eyes. i dont even have to pick up his hand and see for myself if he can see the difference, because it’s obvious he can. 
I hate thinking about the fact that i may become another ‘J’ to him, because, for one, i dont want to put him through all that again, i dont want myself to be in that situation, and of course because i wouldn’t ever let what happened to her happen to me. I am the type of person who refuses to give up when i am reaching for a goal, and in that kind of case, my goal would be getting myself ‘put back together’ so to speak. I have fallen apart before, and in turn, have put myself back together. it wasn’t a fun experience, but an important one nonetheless, because now i know how much i can do for myself, as well as how to prevent it from happening again. i know that i am strong enough to be on my own- i dont need him to be my ‘mom’… i dont need him to worry about me. i dont need him to protect me from myself, because i dont need to be protected from myself. i am not dependent on anyone, because really.. where will that dependency get you? when or if that person leaves, you’re left alone and vulnerable.. a place where i do not intend on going. so, even though i know i can depend on him in this sense, i dont have to, nor do i want to. i want him for what he is: an intelligent mind, a caring and very talented and opinionated person. i dont want to lean on him, i want to stand beside him.
And anyway, he deserves someone who is capable of handling their problems in a way that wont result in a mental breakdown, self mutilation, drugs (both illegal and non-illegal), and all the problems that go with it. He deserves someone who is able to take care of themselves instead of depending on someone else to do it for them.
i just want to be perceived as i really am. and i know he is one of the only people who can see that.
In all though, i feel as if i am back on the right track, so to speak. i can see everything that is going on around me so clearly; i know that i’m going to be okay, no matter what happens. i know that i wont let those creatures consume me and my life, because i love my life, every aspect of it, too much to give it up to anyone, and im curious as to what will happen next. i know i can get through anything. I know that school will be fine. i know that i will become what i aspire to be in life, because i won’t stop until i have what i want- no matter how hard i’ll have to work.
i’m happy. and i’m going to make sure it stays this way.

-Amber Christina