pare el enfurrunarse y sonria!
weakness and loneliness seem to be my only traits since Therissa has been gone.. and now, there seems to be another word added into that mix.. bitterness, or “bitch”, if you will.
Ok, i’ll admit it.. C, you’re right (as always), and i knew that when you said it.
I know i’m not treating her with kindness and respect. I know i’m not acting like myself right now, especially in that sense, because since when do i not want to talk to potentially interesting people who have done me no wrong. Normally, I’d be interested in what she has to tell me, teach me and show me. I would be asking her questions, getting her to tell me stories from her lifetime, and of course, ecstatically telling you all about it.. but i just can’t bring myself to face reality right now. I can’t bring myself to accept that Therissa has stepped out of my life- no matter if its for a short while or a long while. I feel incomplete without her. Everything you pointed out about this unique ’situation’ of mine made sense, and everything you said was right.
But I just can’t help but to feel a little resentful towards this new woman. I dont want to acknowledge her presence in my recently distraught world. I don’t want to look at her, hear her or speak to her. I know i’m being unfair, because I know it wasn’t her fault that Therissa had to go. She gives me no strange-bad feelings, and has relieved my anxiety. But not my tears.
being alone with her seems strange, but the type if strange i have never felt before. I feel like i have just come out of a Jamaican shower of sorts, involving an unusually large amount of pot.. i’m sleepy, awake, relaxed and tense all at the same time. words keep flowing out of my finger tips, creating a mass of sentences and truths about myself that i never knew existed. my head feels like a light lead block, ready to fall over at any minute, and my eyes just keep wanting to close. i can feel even the slightest movement, and hear everything around me with a disturbing kind of sharpness. Every movement seems to catch my eye and shake me a little, and my hands seem to find their way back to each other, transferring my energy with hers. With Naiemah’s.
She really is stunning, just like Therissa was.. but in a different way. Therissa was glamorous. Naiemah is very natural looking, wearing a dark purple skirt that goes to the floor and no shoes. Black hair, though i’m not sure of the length, and high cheekbones. Hazel eyes so dark, they appear to be black and a dark olive complexion. She’s beautiful, and seems genuinely nice.. but she is not Therissa, nor will she ever be.
I feel like, had i not known Therissa as well as i did, Naiemah and I could have been good friends. but now that i know what they are willing to do, i want no part of it- who’s to say that once i get as close to her as i was with Therissa that they wont take her away as well?
You know one of the biggest things that is pissing me off about this whole thing? the amount i have done for that side. How much of my life, my actual normal life i have sacrificed for them. to help them. I have helped so many people communicate to their dead loved ones, help accept the turn their life was taking, and warn them of things to come. I have spent so much of my energy helping the dead cross over, figure out their problems, and relay messages.. not once have i hurt anyone with this gift of mine- slightly alter their lives, yes.. but not hurt… and what is the thanks i get? they take away a spirit who has become a part of me and replace her with someone who i dont know.. someone who at this point, i have no interest in getting to know.
God, I hate doing this… dwelling on the bad, being angry and hateful, and just all around drowning in my own sadness and despair. I wish i could just go back to normal: happy and full of energy and thoughts. Like those annoying AM radio stations that never stop talking, not even to take a breath..(kind of like Therissa was). but lately, i find i have nothing to say thats worth while. Every thought in my head is about Therissa, and my own self pity because she’s gone. I know you were trying to help me cheer up today, C, and i really appreciate it. But if i get to be too much, with my hatefulness and anger toward that world and all the spirits in it, just let me know and i’ll try not to project it as much. It can be overwhelming, that negativity of mine, and i do apologize. but just so you know, one thing you did help me with, other then helping me laugh by dancing (haha), is to listen to what she has to say and stop being such a bitch.
Since you left, I have listened, though still not as much as she or anyone else would like, and tried not to blame her. Tried to comprehend what she is saying, and have been trying not to be rude with my responses.. though i cannot guarantee anything.
but even though it seems my new guide has arrived (soon to be followed by another, i am told), there is still that hole inside me, a gaping emptiness that only Therissa can fix.
I’m still broken hearted about the loss of my best friend.. but, as Therissa always used to say, “usted puede enfurrunarse solamente para asà que desee, usted sabe. Ahora pare el actuar como un nino sin el caramelo, y la sonrisa” [you can only sulk for so long, you know. Now stop acting like a small child without their candy, and smile.]… how i do miss her annoying chatter.
good night.
Ok, i’ll admit it.. C, you’re right (as always), and i knew that when you said it.
I know i’m not treating her with kindness and respect. I know i’m not acting like myself right now, especially in that sense, because since when do i not want to talk to potentially interesting people who have done me no wrong. Normally, I’d be interested in what she has to tell me, teach me and show me. I would be asking her questions, getting her to tell me stories from her lifetime, and of course, ecstatically telling you all about it.. but i just can’t bring myself to face reality right now. I can’t bring myself to accept that Therissa has stepped out of my life- no matter if its for a short while or a long while. I feel incomplete without her. Everything you pointed out about this unique ’situation’ of mine made sense, and everything you said was right.
But I just can’t help but to feel a little resentful towards this new woman. I dont want to acknowledge her presence in my recently distraught world. I don’t want to look at her, hear her or speak to her. I know i’m being unfair, because I know it wasn’t her fault that Therissa had to go. She gives me no strange-bad feelings, and has relieved my anxiety. But not my tears.
being alone with her seems strange, but the type if strange i have never felt before. I feel like i have just come out of a Jamaican shower of sorts, involving an unusually large amount of pot.. i’m sleepy, awake, relaxed and tense all at the same time. words keep flowing out of my finger tips, creating a mass of sentences and truths about myself that i never knew existed. my head feels like a light lead block, ready to fall over at any minute, and my eyes just keep wanting to close. i can feel even the slightest movement, and hear everything around me with a disturbing kind of sharpness. Every movement seems to catch my eye and shake me a little, and my hands seem to find their way back to each other, transferring my energy with hers. With Naiemah’s.
She really is stunning, just like Therissa was.. but in a different way. Therissa was glamorous. Naiemah is very natural looking, wearing a dark purple skirt that goes to the floor and no shoes. Black hair, though i’m not sure of the length, and high cheekbones. Hazel eyes so dark, they appear to be black and a dark olive complexion. She’s beautiful, and seems genuinely nice.. but she is not Therissa, nor will she ever be.
I feel like, had i not known Therissa as well as i did, Naiemah and I could have been good friends. but now that i know what they are willing to do, i want no part of it- who’s to say that once i get as close to her as i was with Therissa that they wont take her away as well?
You know one of the biggest things that is pissing me off about this whole thing? the amount i have done for that side. How much of my life, my actual normal life i have sacrificed for them. to help them. I have helped so many people communicate to their dead loved ones, help accept the turn their life was taking, and warn them of things to come. I have spent so much of my energy helping the dead cross over, figure out their problems, and relay messages.. not once have i hurt anyone with this gift of mine- slightly alter their lives, yes.. but not hurt… and what is the thanks i get? they take away a spirit who has become a part of me and replace her with someone who i dont know.. someone who at this point, i have no interest in getting to know.
God, I hate doing this… dwelling on the bad, being angry and hateful, and just all around drowning in my own sadness and despair. I wish i could just go back to normal: happy and full of energy and thoughts. Like those annoying AM radio stations that never stop talking, not even to take a breath..(kind of like Therissa was). but lately, i find i have nothing to say thats worth while. Every thought in my head is about Therissa, and my own self pity because she’s gone. I know you were trying to help me cheer up today, C, and i really appreciate it. But if i get to be too much, with my hatefulness and anger toward that world and all the spirits in it, just let me know and i’ll try not to project it as much. It can be overwhelming, that negativity of mine, and i do apologize. but just so you know, one thing you did help me with, other then helping me laugh by dancing (haha), is to listen to what she has to say and stop being such a bitch.
Since you left, I have listened, though still not as much as she or anyone else would like, and tried not to blame her. Tried to comprehend what she is saying, and have been trying not to be rude with my responses.. though i cannot guarantee anything.
but even though it seems my new guide has arrived (soon to be followed by another, i am told), there is still that hole inside me, a gaping emptiness that only Therissa can fix.
I’m still broken hearted about the loss of my best friend.. but, as Therissa always used to say, “usted puede enfurrunarse solamente para asà que desee, usted sabe. Ahora pare el actuar como un nino sin el caramelo, y la sonrisa” [you can only sulk for so long, you know. Now stop acting like a small child without their candy, and smile.]… how i do miss her annoying chatter.
good night.
-Amber Christina.
“Saiba que ninguem tentarao substituir sempre Therissa, porque ninguem podem. Deixe-me dentro, e deixe-me ajudar… eu nao estou indo em qualquer lugar. Eu espero que nos possamos ser amigos bons eventualmente. Eu dar-lhe-ei tanta hora como voce necessita. Seu amigo, Naiemah”.
Posted by
at
06:09:19
hey bud, its adam, i felt like coming and checking out what your thoughts have been lately. I’m sorry for your recent loss of someone very close to you. if it’s of any consolance to any of your currrent feelings you can scream very loudly in your room if it helps. Im quite neurotic and I dont think I scream as much as I should.. hah anyway, Amber, if you ever want to trade off writings i’d be glad to share my writings with you because as a WRITER artistic type person tha tyou are I think you might actually get something out of my writings, and being that same kind of person i definitely come away learning from your writings as well. I kinda used to offer these up freely for anyone to see but i think in our case we actually care to give it some kind of form, in writing, where we try to make sense of things, and in the end these writings have worth to the kind of people that would write it.. know what \i mean?? huh.. theres so much i want to say to you being your roomate and all but i have a hard time putting it together. let me try.. i want you as well as cam to feel at home when you are here. and the reason i am stating this is because I think i have a lot of anxieties about other people around me and so sometimes i assume maybe other people also have these sorts of feelings, in which case I would like to be medium as to abate such feelings. and so i thought it should be said. that even tho i am annoyed about the trash heaps you tend to leave at every footstep , that i do hope that in this living situation you do feel that im a friend , cause i know youre friends with gabby and mike and that i appear to be antisocial,, possibly even assholish but , i want everyone here to know that i accept them for who they are and that i want things to work out the best for all of us. im just saying that because for me i want to feel at home where i am, socially, and i know i dont necessarily have the same level of presense as what a normal person might have, so i thought id take this moment to make it clear that my intentions are good with you and that i hope that if you had the knowledge of this it would be of extra comfort to your own productivity in your life. If you or cam ever have shit you want to talk about you can feel free to be open about it with me and i can serve as an extra human dynamic if that makes sense.
anyway im about finished with this comment , i am also stoned right now and no longer wish to continue trying to share feelings lol. peace.
hey adam. i dont really know what else to say except thank you for your comment and your understanding, i really do appriciate you’re compassion concerning my writings and my feelings.
-your roommate, Amber.