oh, the mind of a writer..

Why are they doing this? What did I do that was so wrong? What did I do to offend them this much?
I’ll start off with school. It seems that no matter how many assignments, readings and essays I get done, there is always more. I’m constantly in the library doing work, sometimes to the point where I forget to eat (and usually, C comes in and somehow reminds me that I haven’t eaten). But what’s worse- it feels like no matter how hard I try, with assignments, tests, readings and essays, it’s never good enough. I never get the marks I would like to get. I try and do better, put more effort into it and so on, and it never helps. I act so laid back about this to everyone, but in reality.. It bothers me so much. What more can I do? Was I really cut out for this? Can I really become the ideal person I’d like to be? Is it enough to just enjoy philosophy? It doesn’t feel like it.
And this anxiety, these demons… The way they are interrupting my life, consuming my thoughts and day to day routine has to stop. I can’t let them distract me anymore.
What did I ever do to my uncle to make him hate me to the point that he wants to curse me and make me miserable? What did I do to Elaine to make her hate me so much that she would try anything and everything she could to try and hurt me, torment me and make me crazy?
I know it’s bad that I’m letting this get to me this much..
But it’s one thing to say “surround yourself in white light”, “think positively”, “Push away the demons” then to actually try and do it.. Because it’s so hard. Harder then most would think, because when they are around the last thing you do is think logically.
All you can see is their broken and disfigured bodies shakily moving towards you, their faces constantly disfiguring and twisting into something you’ve never seen before.
All you hear is their voices, growls and sound. Static noise that you’re sure must have made sense at some point. The people around you, the sound the pen makes while writing on paper, the flipping pages, the clicking mousses and the typing of the key board. All these sounds merge into one and become so loud that all you want to do is cover your ears and scream.
Sleeping is another matter entirely. If they’re not keeping you awake by touching you with their burning pins-and-needles fingers, they’re invading your dreams and showing you murder scenes of those you love.
So tell me, what drives hate such as this? What could I have ever done to make my own uncle and my mom’s ex-best friend hate me so much? I’m racking my brain, trying to think of even the smallest incident that could have motivated them to do this to me, but I can’t think of one. I have always been respectful towards my uncle, have always stuck up for him, and have always tried to help him. As for Elaine, I have always laughed and joked with her, have always thanked her for the nice things she has done for me and my family, and have always helped her in anyway I could, whether it be through free readings, free house clearings… anything.
Call this blog self-pity if you’d like, and perhaps you’re right in doing so. But you don’t know what it’s like to deal with all these things, all the time. You don’t know how drained I am right now, how upset this makes me. I’m tired. I’m tired of life, of this and of the drama. I just want to sleep and not wake up until it’s all over. But I’m realistic, I know I can’t do that.. And I know I’m one of the only people who could put an end to it all.. At this point though, I have a mind to tell Naiemah to go and haunt them. To make them feel how I feel. Now, imagine feeling all that and having to put a smile on your face; pretend everything is okay and your not torn up inside. Like your not constantly on the verge of tears.
So go ahead, call this self pity.
But before I start to call this a breakdown, I’m going to go talk to my mom. I’m sick of crying alone.

-Amber Christina.

As time goes by, I seem to be more and more open about what I see and do. Last night, I missed my stop on the bus, and had to go all the way back to school so I could wait for my stop to come around again… I’m not sure why I missed it, it’s not hard to see coming, but I suppose I was lost in my thoughts about Therissa, Naiemah, the gypsy and all the problems and advantages that go along with all three.

I get back to the school, and I remain on the bus… and who do I see walking up the isle? A (new) friend of mine, B, who I affectionately refer to as my ‘smoker buddy’. She sits beside me, and after talking for about 5 minutes, she asks me if I want to come over for some tea and a cigarette. I agree, and the next thing I know, we’re sitting on her bed, with our tea, and I’m giving her a short reading.

A year ago, this would have never taken place… a year ago, I was too busy hiding who I really am to notice that people are put into my life for a reason, and among many other reasons, the main one is to know me, and everything that goes with it.

I was so different last year then I had been during high school, mainly in maturity and my views on the world… and this year, it seems, I have changed yet again… not drastically, but in subtle differences that one would only notice if they knew mostly everything about me. For one, I am no longer ‘run’ on Prozac. My piece of mind no longer depends on how fast a pharmacist can get a hold of my doctor to refill my prescription, and for that I am grateful. I am natural, as God made me and intended me to be.

I no longer trust those who aren’t worthy of my trust (at least for the most part) and I no longer put my happiness in their hands. I don’t take things to heart as easily, and for once, I know who my friends are. I know who I can trust, but that doesn’t mean shutting out everyone else.

Lastly, I am more open about who I am. I’m open about my past experiences, good and bad, and am not afraid to help people, both in the common way and in my own way- my unique gift that was put there for just that purpose.

I feel so comfortable with my life and how it’s going right now, though I’ll admit that I am slightly stressed out about various things, both having to do with this world and the other. But I’m alright with that, because it not only keeps me on my toes… its way better then being bored all the time!

I am who I am, and I do what I do… and for the first time, I’m actually okay with it.

 

-Amber Christina

I saw her today.
The events that have taken place, or almost taken place in the last 24 hours have been ridiculous.. And whats worse, is I don’t know if its ridiculous in a good way or a bad way.
I’ll start off with yesterday. I had been feeling a little better about things, starting to come to terms with Therissa being gone (though not completely.. I was still missing her a lot), and even starting to talk to Naiemah a little bit more. Then I came home. The energy in the house felt different right from the minute I walked through the door, but because I had to work in less then 20 minutes, I didn’t want to deal with whatever was going on at home, or whoever was waiting for me. When I got home from work, I had avoided my room completely (that was were the energy was strongest), and the one time I had went in my room, to get my blanket and pillow so I could sleep on the couch in the tv room, I had only allowed myself to look around the room enough to see the back of someone walking into the closet.
That was quite enough for me.
It’s been a while since I had that strong feeling of fear and anxiety, and I wasn’t about to find out where or who it was coming from.
So, I had slept on the couch last night.
And this morning, I had found out that my cousin’s grandfather had passed away last night.
When I went to my nana’s for dinner, I had the highest feeling of anxiety- but not the kind that I had felt in my room.. A different kind. The kind you feel when you know you’ve done something wrong, or that the news your about to tell someone is news that they don’t want to hear. But I refused to let myself see anyone.. Whenever I would come close, I looked away.
I didn’t want to see anyone, or deal with anything from that aspect of the world without my best friend.. I didn’t want to be a part of that world without Therissa beside me.
I ended up calling C because I couldn’t handle what I was feeling. I didn’t know what to do, and how to deal with it.. I mean, I had always had Therissa to help me figure out how to deal with things like that, and with her gone, I had no clue what to do.
He helped me as much as he could, which was quite a lot to me.. Told me to ground myself, and listen to Naiemah. I did both, and ended up feeling much better.
And, now that I know exactly how much his advice helped me for not only tonight, but for the remaining days that Therissa is gone for too..
Because of his advice, I was able to look up and allow myself to see Therissa standing in the kitchen doorway. She was standing there, eyes filled with tears, looking at me and smiling.
My Therissa.. My best friend. I saw her again.
I couldn’t help but to cry, because I was so happy and so sad at the same time.
I went into the next room and talked to her. And she filled me in on everything.
She has left me for a little while to help protect me, and has left me with Naiemah. Not only will I have Naiemah for the rest of my life, but when this trouble in the spirit world blows over, I’ll have my best friend back too.
As long as I promised not to yell at her for leaving without an explanation.
I am actually so happy, knowing that Therissa is coming back. Knowing that I wont have to be without her forever.
Though I still miss her, I feel as if I am able to keep moving forward… because when she comes back, I know she’ll be waiting to hear gossip about things that have happened while she’s been gone.
This has got to be the best news I could have ever gotten today.
So now, I just need to get myself to stop crying, because I know everything will be okay.

-Amber Christina

weakness and loneliness seem to be my only traits since Therissa has been gone.. and now, there seems to be another word added into that mix.. bitterness, or “bitch”, if you will.
Ok, i’ll admit it.. C, you’re right (as always), and i knew that when you said it.
I know i’m not treating her with kindness and respect. I know i’m not acting like myself right now, especially in that sense, because since when do i not want to talk to potentially interesting people who have done me no wrong. Normally, I’d be interested in what she has to tell me, teach me and show me. I would be asking her questions, getting her to tell me stories from her lifetime, and of course, ecstatically telling you all about it.. but i just can’t bring myself to face reality right now. I can’t bring myself to accept that Therissa has stepped out of my life- no matter if its for a short while or a long while. I feel incomplete without her. Everything you pointed out about this unique ’situation’ of mine made sense, and everything you said was right.
But I just can’t help but to feel a little resentful towards this new woman. I dont want to acknowledge her presence in my recently distraught world. I don’t want to look at her, hear her or speak to her. I know i’m being unfair, because I know it wasn’t her fault that Therissa had to go. She gives me no strange-bad feelings, and has relieved my anxiety. But not my tears.
being alone with her seems strange, but the type if strange i have never felt before. I feel like i have just come out of a Jamaican shower of sorts, involving an unusually large amount of pot.. i’m sleepy, awake, relaxed and tense all at the same time. words keep flowing out of my finger tips, creating a mass of sentences and truths about myself that i never knew existed. my head feels like a light lead block, ready to fall over at any minute, and my eyes just keep wanting to close. i can feel even the slightest movement, and hear everything around me with a disturbing kind of sharpness. Every movement seems to catch my eye and shake me a little, and my hands seem to find their way back to each other, transferring my energy with hers. With Naiemah’s.
She really is stunning, just like Therissa was.. but in a different way. Therissa was glamorous. Naiemah is very natural looking, wearing a dark purple skirt that goes to the floor and no shoes. Black hair, though i’m not sure of the length, and high cheekbones. Hazel eyes so dark, they appear to be black and a dark olive complexion. She’s beautiful, and seems genuinely nice.. but she is not Therissa, nor will she ever be.
I feel like, had i not known Therissa as well as i did, Naiemah and I could have been good friends. but now that i know what they are willing to do, i want no part of it- who’s to say that once i get as close to her as i was with Therissa that they wont take her away as well?
You know one of the biggest things that is pissing me off about this whole thing? the amount i have done for that side. How much of my life, my actual normal life i have sacrificed for them. to help them. I have helped so many people communicate to their dead loved ones, help accept the turn their life was taking, and warn them of things to come. I have spent so much of my energy helping the dead cross over, figure out their problems, and relay messages.. not once have i hurt anyone with this gift of mine- slightly alter their lives, yes.. but not hurt… and what is the thanks i get? they take away a spirit who has become a part of me and replace her with someone who i dont know.. someone who at this point, i have no interest in getting to know.
God, I hate doing this… dwelling on the bad, being angry and hateful, and just all around drowning in my own sadness and despair. I wish i could just go back to normal: happy and full of energy and thoughts. Like those annoying AM radio stations that never stop talking, not even to take a breath..(kind of like Therissa was). but lately, i find i have nothing to say thats worth while. Every thought in my head is about Therissa, and my own self pity because she’s gone. I know you were trying to help me cheer up today, C, and i really appreciate it. But if i get to be too much, with my hatefulness and anger toward that world and all the spirits in it, just let me know and i’ll try not to project it as much. It can be overwhelming, that negativity of mine, and i do apologize. but just so you know, one thing you did help me with, other then helping me laugh by dancing (haha), is to listen to what she has to say and stop being such a bitch.
Since you left, I have listened, though still not as much as she or anyone else would like, and tried not to blame her. Tried to comprehend what she is saying, and have been trying not to be rude with my responses.. though i cannot guarantee anything.
but even though it seems my new guide has arrived (soon to be followed by another, i am told), there is still that hole inside me, a gaping emptiness that only Therissa can fix.
I’m still broken hearted about the loss of my best friend.. but, as Therissa always used to say, “usted puede enfurrunarse solamente para así que desee, usted sabe. Ahora pare el actuar como un nino sin el caramelo, y la sonrisa” [you can only sulk for so long, you know. Now stop acting like a small child without their candy, and smile.]… how i do miss her annoying chatter.
good night.

-Amber Christina.

“Saiba que ninguem tentarao substituir sempre Therissa, porque ninguem podem. Deixe-me dentro, e deixe-me ajudar… eu nao estou indo em qualquer lugar. Eu espero que nos possamos ser amigos bons eventualmente. Eu dar-lhe-ei tanta hora como voce necessita. Seu amigo, Naiemah”.

i wish i was as strong as i pretend to be.
something is wrong, i can feel it in every inch of my body.. but with who? me? C? my family? i wish i knew.
the gypsy is on her way back.. and ever since i found out, i’ve been on the verge of tears.
i can feel her making her way back, getting closer and warmer.. i can hear her humming that tormenting song that has no words.. i can smell her. the scent of jasmine, fire and decay. of burning blood and flesh. rotting corpses and the sweet smell of her breath. i hear it in the trees, feel it in my bones.. and i don’t know how to stop her. i don’t know how to control my fear. because i’m scared shitless.. of her, what she can do to me and the people around me, and of myself. i’m scared of what she’ll make me do… i’m scared of what my fear and anger will make me do to those girls.
the witches who are sending her to me, or trying to.. and trust me, this woman doesn’t need much persuasion when it comes to getting to me.
the anxiety is building now, and so are the tears. how can i stop this?
i know that i could rip apart their world from the seams if i’m inclined to do so.. i know the damage i could cause, but i don’t want to have to go there. anger is telling me to do it, reason is telling me not to. so for now, my reason is winning, but if they push me too far my temper will get the better of me. and though they are playing with fire, i want it to be them who tears their world apart- i dont want to be responsible for ther world ripping apart at the seams, the loss of their gifts, the loss of their minds, and their unavoidable breakdown, because if the gypsy finds her way back to me i’ll have to consentrate on the prevention of my own breakdown… because i dont want to fall apart when i’ve already put myself back together.
i’m trying my best to act like this isn’t getting to me, to act like i’m not afraid, that i’m strong and not so worried.. i’m trying so hard to put on a happy face that no one can see through, but the truth is that i can’t stop thinking about the inevidable.
and whats worse is that i dont want to tell all these feelings to those i’m close to and whom i love.. why? well, a number of reasons, the strongest being 1) i hate the look of sympathy and the akward “it’s gonna be alright” words of unsure comfort that would be given when i let my wall of fake strength fall and start to cry, because i know it’s not going to be alright.. and 2) i dont want them to feel like they have to take care of me. i dont want to be their burden when i’m already my own. i dont want them to worry about me. i dont want them to see how weak i really am.
and for once, i really wish i could hear Therissa’s witty comments, rude sayings and annoying talking..
its unsettling to be left in silence when i haven’t been for over 4 years. she left yesterday and hasn’t come back yet… she’s never left for more then 5 minutes since i first met her when i was 14… where is she?
that whole unknown world of the spiritual is going crazy lately.. and it’s making me crazy as well. the things i’m hearing and seeing don’t make any sense to me, and the feelings i get are upsetting.
its like something that starts out very big just shrinks into being small right infront of me- so small that i can barely see it, let alone touch it.. leaving me alone and confused and wondering what happened, and what i’m suppose to do about it.. it doesn’t make sense, i know. thats why i have never tried explaining the feeling before, but it’s as if my whole stomache is falling out because of anxiety..
and my mind is going with it.
i need someone to save me from this darkness.. and the worst part is that i dont think anyone can.

-Amber Christina

my eye lids are drooping, but i can’t seem to fall asleep. it’s now 2:17am, and i already know i’ll be up for at least a few more hours. i dont know what to do with myself, and the first thing that came to mind was to write.. about what? well, whatever comes to mind i suppose.
my friends. this year, i’ve lucked out. i mean, at this time last year, i was a nervous wreck, though no one could see it except the few people who were close enough to me to know when im faking happiness.. and trust me, in order to realize weather i’m actually happy or faking it, you have to know me really well.. and at this point, i would say that there are only a few people who know me that well.. and those are the few people who i would do anything for.
first off, i wanna talk about G. i have only met her this year.. she had no where to live, coming from Zambia, and i told her about a room in my house that hadn’t been rented yet. she moved in pretty much immediately.. and we’ve been really close ever since.. when im upset in anyway, she always seems to take my mind off of whatever is bothering me, and helps me get back to being me… hyper and crazy. i have so much fun with her, dancing to tipsy and day and night, singing (or yelling) at the top of our lungs to hurts so bad, and getting locked out of the laundry matt with our laundry, wallets and school books still inside because we wanted to have a smoke.. and, speaking of smoking.. the time when we finished a pack of cigarettes in one evening because we both were stressed and needed something to keep us occupied.. oh, and of course we cant forget our visit to emerge when i had bronchitus.. drawing ‘Germy’ on the hospital bed was not only ironic, but hilarious. And when it had come time to choose between someone i didn’t really know that well but had a major thing for, and the guy i had been dating for about 6 months… she didn’t hesitate to help me.. and, of course, i ended up taking her advice.. which was probably the best advice anyone could have given me. as is obvious, i can easily call G one of my (few) best friends.
Now it’s time for M.. it feels like M and i have been slowly growing apart this year… and i don’t really know what to do.. i mean, i try and try to get together with her, but she always ends up blowing me off to go chill with her (asshole) boyfriend… and the only reason i call him an asshole is because he doesn’t treat her right. but anyhow.. i haven’t seen her since before christmas, and i’m starting to really miss her. she got me a christmas present, but i haven’t gone over to get it yet.. i dont want to just show up to take the present and leave.. i want to see her! the present means nothing to me in comparison to chillin with one of my oldest friends. i miss the fun we used to have, the pictures we used to take (attack of the rice cakes!) and getting ready in the bathroom, straitening hair, putting on make up, and picking out clothes.. all because we have nothing better to do then get ready to go no where.. call me when you can, M, and let me know when we can go back to how we used to be, i adore you :).
aaand, lastly, C. the one person who i can’t stop talking about no matter how hard i try. the person i miss the most right now, even though i saw him this morning. in such a short time, i’ve fallen head over heels in love with him, that it makes me not only a cliche, but extremely happy. without even having to think about it, i can come up with at least 5 hilarious memories that i’ve shared with him, like passing out on my bathroom floor after he had been holding my hair back while i puked, running all over down town to get to the rooster, only to realize that neither of us had money to get in, staying up all night talking about stupid-funny things like going into a candy store pretending im pregnant and demanding candy that has no artificial flavouring in it while he is pretending to freak in the back ground.. driving to detroit with him, shoving chips in his mouth to keep him awake, and of course the drive back from detroit.. OH, and there is no way i can forget to mention the time he passed out during.. uhm. nevermind (told you i wouldn’t let that go :P).. but in all honesty.. i consider him, along with G, one of my best friends. there isn’t anything i can’t tell him, because there isn’t anything i havent told him. he takes me for what i am, and still seems to love me, and somehow knows how to keep me laughing and smiling when i’m on the verge of tears.
these are my best friends. these are the people who mean the world to me. A good friend once told me that the people who you can’t imagine living without are the people who are worth while.. these people are worth while to me.. because they have effected me in such a way that i dont know how i was able to be happy without them in my life.

-Amber Christina