oh, the mind of a writer..

he was back again, all fake innocence and kindness.
decieving as he is, i know what he’s capable of… and he didn’t hesitate to show me through images in my head and out. Dreams consisting of darkness, webs built of bones and blood, and sacrificial rituals.. i know it’s coming, and i know what will happen. I am not so naive to think that i can stop what is inevidable.. but it doesn’t mean i wont try. i refuse to let them do to me what they want, i am not their puppet on their string.. and most importantly, he will never win me over. I do no one’s bidding but my own, for my own reasons.. and at least 95% of those reasons are filled with good intentions and white light. I do not call these demons upon me, and i deffinately do not call him… but yet they still come. C had a point last night… something must trigger their return.. and the negative energy would make sense..
but last night, i was so content. Before i went to bed, my thoughts were filled of nothing but those who make me unbelievably happy- and of course, C was at the top of that list. I wasn’t thinking of negative things, or negative people.. and yet he still showed up. First as someone else, standing in my kitchen with me, my mom and C, before we left for my nana’s house. Then again, behind me, reading over my shoulder while i was on the computer last night… he stayed with me until 1am, and came back at 3. I tried to ignore him, but you can only ignore the darkness for so long..

and now he’s back.
It’s only 10:50am, and he’s already back. what the fuck am i suppose to do? He’s trying to corrupt everyone around me… getting into my uncle’s head, tainting his mind and his life in a such a way that he can no longer go back. We cannot help him, though it kills me not to.. i try and be strong, in every way i can.. but in reality, i’m not so strong. half the things i see, i can only bare because i’ve been seeing them all my life… and still, some of them still scare the hell out of me. they’re so literally twisted and demented… wrong looking things that come out of whatever they can.. Now that this man with the blue eyes and pale skin has my uncle under his control, he is trying for more people.. trying to surround G in his energy, purposly scaring her by banging on the stairs and doors. Coming into C’s dreams, but too much of a coward to show his face, that asshole… and keeping my brother awake.. touching and twisting his reality..
he can try and scare my friends all he wants, i know he wont hurt them.. i know this because they have nothing he wants. He can try and corrupt my boyfriend if he feels the need to, because C is too strong to give in.. I know nothing will happen to him, because he is so protected.. and once that protection starts to ware off, he has me.. and i will never let anything happen to him.. but my brother.. he lays one hand on my brother, and i will stop at nothing to get him back..
i am so protective over my brother, and i am not ashamed of it. I will do anything for him, as long as i know that it would bennifet him in a postitve way. If i knew it would save him emotionally or physically, i would sacrifice my life for him.
but, as usual, i digress.
The man with the blue eyes is still standing across the room. i know who he is, but i wont say his name.. and i know he’s trying to make me crazy, i know this because i’ve been in this position before. But i wont let this make me crazy- i’ve been caught between two worlds my entire life, and it will never change. Another thing that will not change is the fact that i will never be done dealing with these creatures that only a select amount of people can see.. and although im not estatic about it, i really dont mind.. because i know i can get through it. I know i won’t let them get the best of me, or hurt me in any way. and, lastly, if seeing all those creatures and dealing with the man with the blue eyes is something i have to put up with in order to see those who i loved and lost, help other people come to terms with events that have happened in their life and connect with their loved ones… then i dont mind at all. because though i can use this alternate reality only as i see fit, i use it objectively.. applying ethics and morality into the mix. Who i help, who i don’t help, and what i use my gift to achieve (which isn’t much). I earn what i get and have worked hard for the things i have, both in this world and yours, and i intend to keep it that way.
This man will not lure me in with fake promises and pretty things, because there is more to life then the superficial and getting what you want.. and i would never want a life that i dont have to work for to some extent.. Though it would be fun and exciting for a while, it would only prove to be like all my ex’s… exciting for a while, but boring me to tears after only a short time.
I know he will not leave today, tomorrow, or next week. I know that he comes with the territory. and i know what he wants. So, as always, i will take the good with the bad, and deal with this gift that God has given me… and, unfortunately, dealing with this gift means dealing with that demon standing in my doorway.

-Amber Christina

darkness surrounds the world everyday and leaves me in a daze.

the thoughts you mutter in my ear reminds me of a better place.

trying to differentiate between your thoughts and mine,

puts me into a different place, way back in time.

drowning in you is a constant theme,

never leaves me alone.

he comes just in time to hear my scream,

and stops my heart to roam.

its taken, full, empty too, though never truly bare,

over flowing with feelings for the one who always seems to care.

so darkness can surround the world, it won’t faze me much,

because in his arms i will lay, where no one else can touch.

safe, alone, scared and loved,

i will forever be content.

no more will i be shoved,

into a place where my sanity is bent.

-Amber Christina

I had a strange dream last night that has left me uneasy and suspicious. Of what? I’m not sure yet- my happiness perhaps? My senserity about my feelings and maybe even myself? Am i lying to myself and everyone around me? Do I even know what happiness is? Lastly, am i so self absorbed with my own life and feelings that i can’t take some time to reflect on what’s going on in the world and how it may effect my family and those I love?

Its true that i think about those i love’s feelings and thoughts all the time… but, maybe i should take some more time to think about the rest of the world.

I was crying in the dream. Thats the first and foremost thing i remember- i was walking and crying. No one was around, and there was no one i could call. I remember thinking of calling C, but i thought against it… was it thaht I didnt want to bother him with my petty issues? or was it that i didnt want him to see this side of me? maybe a bit of both.. Not many of the people i know and love at this point in time have seen that side of me, the side of me when i feel as if i’m at my lowest.

What proves that i’m at my lowest comes next in this dream… the cutting. It’s been so long since i’ve thought about how that feels, and remember the way it looks. The smell, the thoughts, the feeling, and of course what follows is the secrets. The lies. The deception. and the inevidable loss.

The loss of friends, self worth, and love. Everything and everyone slowly dwindles away with the cutting and the depression, or what i call depression. I’m not sure what it is anymore.. I dont feel it now, in fact i feel perfectly fine right now other then the overwhelming urge to repeat my dream… but i have a little something called self control, so that will never, EVER happen again.

In the dream i was walking towards someone or something, though i can’t tell you what or who it was.. Just a big shadow in the dark. It was raining, which is actually a good thing- it means clensing- and i was in the middle of a road somewhere. Something about an art class was in the back of my mind, maybe that i was missing one? I fall and when i hit the ground i look up to see someone’s feet by my head. They reach out their hand to me, and just as i’m about to take it, I’m in my old room again. I look over to the clock, and see that the time is 3:45am. There are shadows all around the room, and a broken peice of glass in my lap. When i catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror accross the room, i dont see the Amber i know now, but rather the scared, akward little girl i was: long black hair replaces the shorter red, i have paler skin in the dream and i was skinnier. a lot skinnier… my cheeks seem sunkin in, and my eyes seem bigger then they are. Blue eyes… green eyes… a combination of both maybe?

No matter the colour, i see what’s in them. Past the colour, past the tears and into my heart… a heart that was broken. Once i realize what i see in my old eyes, i begin to feel it again. It starts off as a kind of numbness, slowly seeping into my toes and fingers, making its way up my arms and legs and into my soul. From there its a pain, a broken firey pain in my heart that makes its way into my stomache and transforms itself into a kind of anxiety and guilt. Guilt because i know what im about to do, and anxiety because i know that someone will end up finding out.

A black whole was how i used to describe it, and since then i had forgotten just how bad it used to get. I remember now, because some traces of that dream are still lingering in my head and heart. give me a few, and they’ll be gone.

But do i want them gone? do i want to abandon that part of me forever?

fuck yes.

i want this intoxicating and decieving part of me gone… put away to a place where i never have to face it again. i never want to feel the way i felt again.

The next part of the dream is the part that i remember with a mix of emotions: a twisted sense of pleasure, guilt for feeling that pleasure, saddness for how i used to be, and pain. Not physical pain, but the emotional pain i had felt so strong that it drove me to it.

After this dream, i can remember the way the glass felt when going through my skin. I can remember the feeling of pleasure that i used to get, as if it was a kind of balm to my aching heart… soothing it temproarily. Taking my mind off of the rest of the world. this was my therapy, discusting and demented as it was, and i was happy with it while doing it… but afterwards, when i realized what i had done and the consiquences that would obviously follow, i was regretful and upset.

Its strange, because whenever i wasnt cutting, i knew how bad it was. I knew that it was an addiction that i had to get rid of, and i would promise myself that i would stop.

then that night, when i became too overwhelmed by myself, i would do it..

hahaha

i was like a smoker who says their quitting “after this pack”, while they have full intentions of buying another.

I dont know why i had this dream, but it has left me feeling numb and unattached. After writing about it, i feel a little better… but the odd feeling of pain, numbness, anxiety and guilt is still lingering on me… slowly dripping off on everything i do… so i guess i just have to wait until i dry off from the leftovers of this dream.

but i wont go back. i’ll never go back to the way i was.

not only for myself, but for the people i have in my life now- G, M, my family.. and, most importantly.. C. I think he’s been through just about enough crazies, he needs someone at least kind of normal.. and though i’m far from ‘normal’… i’m not crazy.

I know i’m noy lying about my happiness at this stage in my life, because i couldn’t be happier. This is who Amber is… the person i am now.. and the girl i have left behind? I dont really know, but she’s been left in the past.. and no way in hell is she coming back.

Not only am i surrounded by good and honest people who care about me and whom i care for, i am secure with who i am. I’m grounded. I’m happy. I know that when i have a bad day, that it’ll soon be over and the next will be better. As i have said before, i’m in love with my life and the people in it.

So, i’m fine… better then fine.. i mean, it was only a dream.

-Amber Christina

alright, so let me just get a few things off my chest so that i can actually go to sleep without having them bothering me all night long.
Number one: i am not what i seem- my looks are decieving in the sense that most of the time, they do not portray the extent of my personality. I have been told that I can take on these three appearances: one- young and innocent; in which case you will be extremly surprised at the things i say and do… because i am far from innocent (unfortunatly), two- bubbly and dumb; well.. bubbly yes, dumb fuck no.. i could show you up or at least put myself in the same category of intelligence as you any day.. i hate stupid people, and three: that i will back away from an argument, in which case you are sorely mistaken.

I am not a stariotype by anymeans. I refuse to just “sit, smile and look pretty” like a fucking show doll. I will not disengage myself from conversation to avoid embarassment on your account. If you bring me somewhere, know that if i have something to say, i will say it. I am extremely opinionated (and strong willed), and i dont back away from an argument. Give me a chance to prove to you that my opinion is right and yours is not, and i will most deffenatly take it. I choose my words carefully for someone who doesn’t think before they speak, and i will say anything and everything that comes into my head to say. I do not put my thoughts through a filter for you, nor will i sugar coat anything that is crude or hateful- you have to see the world as it really is at some point in time, and actually open your fucking eyes… and i dont really care if im the one who shows you. I dont give up on an argument or on a point i was trying to make, and if you dont understand what im saying, i wont stop until you do. You find me annoying? big fucking deal, a lot of people do. do you hate me? well, your not the first one and chances are you wont be the last. People tend to disagree with the way i say things and go about doing things… i’m not conservative enough for the majority of the people i meet, and apparently, way to controversial to bother with. I have been told that i do not conform, though i can say that is slightly false- i conform to some music though not all, and i pick and choose what aspects of society i conform to aswell. so, i do confrom… when i feel like it. (and, OH surprise, another reason why i tend to be disliked). But the point is this: i dont care if you can’t stand me, because chances are i cant stand you either.
I have a ginormously (yes i know thats not a word) huge potty mouth. Why? well, for one i cant really help it most times, and two because i like it that way. And anyhow, who said that swearing is a bad thing? the word fuck is an ackronum. i just use it accordingly… or not. so dont ask me to ‘watch my words’, because i wont… unless, of course, you are someone who is extremely important to me and i would do anything, yes ANYTHING for.. in that case, you may ask me to filter my words sometimes.
Now, if you meet me randomly, and do not know who i am… you will notice these things within the first 10 minutes of talking to me if your observant and intelligent to some digree. So, what i would like to know is this: why let it bother you?
i know i have a strong personality, but i will not, and i repeat NOT, change myself, my views and my words for anyone. this is who i am, and if you dont like it, you need to fucking get over it. dont sit and pout about it, dont try to change or correct me, because chances are it’ll piss me off and i will make you feel even more uncomfortable then you already were in the first place. dont just fucking sit there and stare at me, giving my dirty looks and talking behind my back. There are many reasons why you can stop doing that, but the biggest reason is this: i dont care what you think of me. If you have something to say, take a page from my book and just fucking say it. Nothing pisses me off more then those cows who just sit in a corner, and talk smack about what your saying to everyone but you. They are cowards who can’t take what they dish.
aaaand I feel better already.
however, i can think of at least two people who could have made me feel calmer and less like killing someone a lot quicker, both of which are not here.. though, i do have one’s sweater and the other one’s dog. hahaha

g’night everyone.

-Amber Christina

December 24^th, 4:36pm. The tree is decorated. The Christmas music is playing. The baking of the cookies is taking place as I type, and the presents are half-way wrapped… and it still doesn’t feel like Christmas to me. I don’t know what it is, but I haven’t had that excitement this year, haven’t been counting down the days ‘till Christmas, and dreading the days that lead up to me coming home for the holidays. For no other reason then the fact that coming home for the holidays means not spending as much time with C as I’ve gotten used to, and abandoning my ‘normal’ routine, if you can call it a routine. Maybe I’ve just lost interest in Christmas, maybe I’ve grown too old for the excitement.. Maybe I’ve lost that innocence that I used to hide behind, in which case I am now left naked for the world to see what’s really in my head and how I think and feel. Are they ready for that? No, probably not.. But that wouldn’t stop me. Is it any or all of those things that leave me emotionless for Christmas, or is it something else? Perhaps life getting in the way? Perhaps something deeper? I don’t know the answer to that question… but I do wish I had that sense of innocence back.. I want to enjoy the simple things in life, in the holiday season, like I used to. I wish it was like before, when I was under the age of 10 and not above playing in the snow with my brother, instead of sitting here missing someone very important to me, and being un-Christmassy.

Like when I was little, me and my brother Cameron used to search around the house for things to wrap and give each other… we would wrap up everything from pennies to toys to rocks… literally everything we could find, and put it under the tree for Christmas morning.. Of course by the end of the day on Christmas, I would be wanting my toys back and Cam would be decapitating my Barbie’s as usual.. But it’s the innocence that I remember between my brother and I that makes that memory special.. The fact that we took pleasure in finding rocks and old toys and what would seem to other people to be garbage so we could wrap it up and give it to each other as presents. And now its come to Cam asking me to wrap his girlfriends presents for him so he can keep playing world of war craft…not to mention a girlfriend who I‘m not even fond of.. But the point is that we’ve lost the fun, and we’ve lost the innocence.. Me more so then him, because he’s still excited for tomorrow… and I am not.

The strongest emotion I am feeling right now has nothing to do with Christmas, but instead with myself, Oliver and C… I’ll start with Oli… I miss my puppy. This is my first Christmas without him since before I was 6, and I would want nothing more then to see my dog chillin beside me on Christmas morning, chewing on the wrapping paper. I mean, I have Rocky, G’s dog (I’m dogsitting him for the holidays)… but Rocky isn’t Oli. Just thinkin about him is making me want to cry, like memories from last Christmas when we accidentally left him outside… the look on his face when we pulled up was priceless (we were gone for like, 5 minutes because we had to turn around and come back cause we forgot some presents)… how he used to crawl right up to us when we lied on the couch and prop his head on our leg so he could look up at us.. his brown eyes…
and now I’m starting to cry.. jesus. I’m moving on…
As for the rest, I’m annoyed at myself for missing C already, even though I just spent the last 5 days with him, driving to Newmarket to meet his brother and his dad, both of whom are really cool people, and then from there to Detroit to visit his mom, step dad, grandma and grandpa, who were again really nice, interesting and cool people. I had a blast being with him and meeting the most important people in his life, and it’s left me in a daze thinking of nothing but him.

Its strange that I feel as if I’ve known him forever, but in reality have only known him for 4 months and dated him for 1 and a half (I think)… lord, I really wish I knew the day we made it official… not knowing is a)inconvenient, and b)makes me feel slightly inadequate as a girlfriend hahaha. But seriously though, I probably should know.

When we were at his mom’s house on Sunday, she was telling us how she met her husband, N, and how she felt this really strong and unexplainable connection with him… that she didn’t even really look at his appearance, but rather was too busy being drawn in in to him and wanting to know more about him.. That she knew she would be with him from the minute she saw him.. You could tell that it was an emotion that she just didn’t know how to put into words, because she was trying so hard to help us understand what she was talking about… well, that’s exactly what happened for me when I met C- though, when I met him, I had a boyfriend…

It didn’t really stop me. When I was around C, all thoughts of E completely left my mind and were replaced by him, what he was talking about, and how fucking hot he is… sorry, had to add that in.

And now, I’m still completely amazed that he loves me as much as I love him.. And how lucky I am to have him in my life… I still feel as if its all a dream, because I’m not quite sure how it is that I have him to myself.. I have no idea how I stole such an amazingly talented, gifted, intelligent, kind and attractive man’s heart… but, now that I know I have, I’m just gonna roll with it.

And as for Christmas… I’m still not in the mood.

Maybe more Christmas specials will help?

Wish me luck,

and merry Christmas.

-Amber Christina

it doesnt make sense, these things i do. how would i philosophize them? put them into a perspective that would help people know what it is i do, and help them understand. Argue their existance in such a way that would help me understand them, because at this point, i really dont know how to explain and argue what i see and do.
people say that they have to see things to believe them, but how can you show them something only you can see? it’s a complicating and complex thought, one that tends to hurt my head and make me dizzy. I dont know how to even begin to go about trying to prove the existance of demons, spirits, God and guides. I dont know how to prove that there are such things as curses and spells, but not in the hollywood sense. I hate hollywood for what it’s turned my way of life into… turned it into a form of popular culture, a mockery. i wish them no harm, but i wish they would realize what they’ve done.
but, as always, i digress.
I’m a skeptic. I try and rationalize what i do, and sometimes it really bothers me. I try and think of scientific explinations for the things i see and hear, and always get to a dead end- and i know why. Because there is no way to explain this scientifically. This is something you either have or dont have.
you either see these things and hear these things, or you don’t. there is no in between.
how would someone like Sartre, Heidegger or Nietzsche approach such a topic? Am I (yet again) a stranger in my own philosophical world? Well, it seems that Heidegger would perhaps refer to this as a form of authenticity, that i have felt that anxiety and made it who i am. That i took advantage of what can only be mine, regardless of what the masses think, and- written in my own words- rolled with it.
So according to Heidegger, what i do is alright. I am authentic, an individual.. or, at least, getting there. almost there. but not quite there.
Nietzsche would call this another way of stepping out of ‘the chalk circle’, stepping out of what i have been taught by society and the media and coming to terms with who i am (who i really am, me, Amber Christina and no one else), and not only accepting it, but loving it.
i wouldn’t say i love it just yet, but i’m getting there. However, in order to get there, i need to be able to argue my way of life, i need to know how to put it into words that would make sense to everyone, not only myself.
anyhow, C and G are distracting me.. and i have forgotten my train of thought.
i love you both, but honestly. =]

-Amber Christina

The hurt in his chest doesn’t seem to be going away,
The walls are closing in around him, his eyes won’t open today.
Rainy, tired and dripping wet,
These tears that soak her pillow don’t seem to be gone yet.
The hurt in her eyes will never be kept at bay,
Broken and shattered, the floor is where his heart lay.
Will these two ever find what they’re looking for?
Will their love be renewed, or remain shattered on the floor?
She knows her heart will always be his,
But will he alow himself to be taken by bliss?
One is ready, the other not sure,
But both are crying, their worlds a blur.

-Amber Christina & Cam Spence (yeah, thats right. i gave you credit. =])

I am so lucky. Honestly, I have no idea what I did to deserve this person in my life, but whatever it was, I’m happy I did it.                
Last night, after a friend left and C and I were lying in bed about to go to sleep… there was a spirit in my room. This is gonna sound kind of trivial to you, but.. I told him about it, and how this spirit was bothering me.. His immediate response was to help me by clearing the room… we (well, he did while the spirit was in my body) passed him through the light.. I have never been able to do that with someone other then my mom before.. And it just meant so much.. I don’t really know where I’m going with this, but I think this thing we have, me and C, is really special. Something I have never felt, or experienced before. I mean, whenever I was sleeping (yes, just sleeping) with a guy before, I have always had to deal with that stuff on my own, without letting them know what was going on… it was hard. When they touched me, or scared the shit out of me.. I had no one to help. I mean, I couldn’t just get up from bed with them and call my mother to get her to help me pass a spirit through the light or even help me to get rid of them at 3am, without them thinking I was fucking crazy.
With C, I don’t even have to hesitate to let him know what’s going on, and the best part is he know’s how to help me.
The connection I have with him is so surreal. I have only known him for a short time, and I feel like I’ve known him forever. I look at him, and I know what he’s thinking, just by the expression he has on his face or in his eyes, but at the same time, he still knows how to surprise me.
When I’m with him, no matter how many people are around, I feel like it’s just me and him- no one else.
But, what I find most important- he knows how to handle me and everything that comes with me.
He’s not scared of the things I do or see, and he’s not intimidated or jealous either.. He’s just there for me when I need him, and even when I don’t. We’re able to laugh about these things, and also worry about them together.
Our whole relationship is different; and that’s what I like about it.
Correction: that’s what I love about it.

-Amber Christina

What do you do when your world is lost?
How do you find it? At what cost?
Confused and falling, she stands at the corner,
look into her eyes, and you’ll see a mourner.
Lost and stranded, suspended away from judgment,
her tears have landed, will she ever find contentment?
Philosopher’s lost words ring in her mind,
can her soul really be immortal? Can’t she just leave this all behind?
She raises her cigarette in an attempt to calm her nerves,
it seems this bad day cannot be summed up in words.
The hours just keep ticking away,
but she can no longer hold her emotions at bay.
Dropping to her knees, she loses her hold,
her life, her love, her feelings unfold.
Screaming into the night will do her no good,
but at this point, she doesn’t think anything could.
Just someone to hold her, to be there,
all she really needs is someone to care.
Alone in the world, relentless as she is,
she chokes and coughs, she is no longer his.

This poem seems to have nothing to do with me personally except for the bad day part. But instead of actually talking about why my day has been so bad, I’m just going to try and let some emotions out… I don’t know what emotions I am holding inside just yet, but I guess that’s the point, right? To write about emotions that I’m not sure exist so I can acknowledge that their there, and thus feel better.
Because sense yesterday, a strange mood of melancholia has slowly been creeping up on me. I have no reason for this mood, because other then my lap top situation, my life is great. I mean, who wouldn’t want a boyfriend, a family, and friends like mine? Because of them, this mood seems to be coming and going- when I’m with them, I have no room for sad thoughts, and thus I forget about them. But when I’m alone, it all creeps up into my head, tainting my thoughts.
I don’t know what’s happening anymore. I look around me, and the world seems to be falling apart. All you ever hear about these days is war, and the hurt that human kind seems to inflict on one another. The romance has gone out of society and the general public, and when I say romance, I not only mean in the ‘Romeo and Juliette’ sense, I mean in the way we treat people, the words we use (I am probably the worst for that) and the way people seem to go about dealing with things. Why can’t it all be a little more simple?
I feel like I’m drowning in a world full of hate, anger and resentment… and though I do not feel those particular emotions most times, I feel like if I live in this world a little longer, being the way it is, that it will soon consume me as well. My flame will be put out, smothered by the fakeness and the insincerity of the world and the people in it. I don’t want to be like them. I don’t want to lose touch with who I am. But it feels like they are all slowly coming closer, ready to strike and take me down with them, to a place where I don’t want to go.
I wish human kind would just get their fucking shit together. Stop feeding people drugs they don’t need, and actually take the fucking time to talk to them- I mean really talk to them and listen- because that’s all they really need.
I wish family’s weren’t so dysfunctional. I wish they could actually open their fucking eyes and see that what they have is rare, in it’s own way. No two family’s are the same, so stop being so ignorant to it and call your fucking mother. She misses you.
Stop resenting your parents, stop hating your siblings, and stop brushing off your grandparents by calling them senile. They have seen more shit then you ever have, and know more things then you will ever know. You may learn new things, but you will never know what they know now.
Mostly though, stop hating yourself. Stop looking in the mirror and picking apart your flaws, because we all have them. Instead of perfecting yourself and trying to look like someone your not, embrace those small ‘flaws’ that make you who you are, and love them.
You’ll be happier for it, and so will the people around you.
Go have an actual conversation with someone, because chances are, you haven’t had one in a while. Talking about hair, clothes, make up, hockey and so on is not, I repeat, NOT a real conversation! Talk about what’s going on in the world around you, recognize things that no one else can recognize, speak your mind. No one will look at the same thing and see it as you do, so express yourself. You’re the only one that can put that idea into the world, and if we lose you, we lose that potentially great idea that could possibly make a difference in someone’s life.
And, for fuck sakes, have one of these conversations with your ‘significant other’.  One of my biggest pet peeves are couples who don’t actually talk.
If you do talk, you would know them a whole shit load better then you probably do now. When is their birthday? What’s their favourite colour? Favourite flower? Favourite booze? Music? Food? If you know these things, then you’re a step further. Now, if we really want to go deep and see if you know as much as you think you do, you will be able to answer this: what is their position on war? What do they think of the new president? What about their opinion on health care? Do they believe in God? What is their favourite philosophy? Favourite saying? How do they joke- do they have a dry sense of humour? What are their political views? Are they more spiritual then religious? What is it that they want to do with their life? What kind of knowledge are they interested in knowing? What are they passionate about- like really passionate about? What is that one thing that will always get them worked up with excitement? Knowing them like you think you do, can you tell what they’re thinking about just by glancing at the expression in their eyes?
If you don’t know these things, you don’t have much of a relationship other then fucking and superficial conversations.
That is nothing to me- that is not love.
I’m sick of people thinking of love in terms of sex, because though sex is probably up on my top 5 favourite things to do, it is not everything. I would rather know someone then have sex… at least, for a while.
What ever happened to laying in the grass with them, looking at the stars and thinking of everything but sex? Talking about everything and nothing at the same time? What ever happened to the innocence of love? The romance that we now only find in poetry?
This world is lost, and it feels like I am the only one trying to get it back.
And if I am seeming harsh and bitter to you, it’s probably because I am.
If you think I’m a bitch right now, it’s probably because I am.
You can think what you want of me, it makes no difference. I will not change who I am, what I do and my opinions on the world for anyone.

Have a nice night.

-Amber Christina

Well, so much for my happy mood. Looks like I should just not talk about how happy I am any more- it only leads to something making me contradict myself. Well, that’s not entirely true- I am still happy in some respects. But not in a lot of them.

My computer crashed Tuesday night. I had gotten home from the coffee shop, where I was writing my last blog, and started working on my essays with G and C. It was all going great until my computer was acting up, so I restarted it. When I did that, the computer turned back on okay- it just didn’t transfer over to the screen. We even tried plugging it into another monitor, and it still didn’t work.

I went to go see if i could get my work from my lap top today, which (thank god) i could… i walked all the way there- have you ever realized how much colder everything seems when you’re sick? anyhow, so i get there and they tell me that there is nothing they can do for my lap top. It would be cheaper to go out and buy a new one. wonderful- fucking fantastic.

My whole life is a bad day.

I’m starting to realize what Heidegger meant by feeling the ‘nothingness’.

Lord, I’m negative today.

But I feel like I have every right to be… I had a bad string of events yesterday, and yet I still kept a smile on my face, I had a dream about my dog that passed away which made me upset, Im starting to feel stressed out, and I’m sick. My throat hurts a lot, I’m coughing, my head is pounding, my body aching, and I’m stuck in a fucking library listening to people type and talk… why do people never shut the fuck up? Honest to god.

So, i now have my essay, or what I did of it. Time to get it done and hand it in tomorrow.

fuck, I feel like shit.

Why do I whine so much?

I don’t know, all I know is that im not a happy person today. All I want to do is sleep, but I know that’s not going to happen. Now that I’m home, I’ll probably end up being bothered by the most obscene amount of dead people. They haven’t been bothering me yet today, but I know it’s only a matter of time- I mean… though my guard is not down completely, I’m vulnerable to them. I hate to admit that right now, but I know its true, and worst: I know they know it’s true.

Talk later,

-Amber