oh, the mind of a writer..

The way smoke feels when its entering your lungs is probably one of my favourite feelings of all time. Especially when you haven’t had a cigarette in a little while, because it makes your head feel light and airy… and if you close your eyes, you see things better. Clearer.
When I say things, I mean both what you can see and what I can see. It puts things into perspective, and makes it easier to comprehend stuff. I don’t know what kind of stuff- but does it matter?
The other things- they just come through clearer. And I have a sneaky suspicion that when I get home, Theresa is going to pay my family a visit through me. I don’t know what it is she has to say, but I know that she has to say something that she can’t come out and tell me about, which is both an inconvenience and a relief. It makes my job so much easier when they just come through and tell them what they want.
Last night after I wrote my last blog, I was looking through my others, and I feel like I’ve progressed. Not in my writing, not in how I clarify things, and not in my head either.. But rather, what I will talk about, and to the extent that I talk about it.
“It” is my gift, what I do and who I am. Because really, that is about 80% of who I am. And it feels good to let the world see the real me. It feels good to not hide behind what society deems normal or crazy. Because in the end, what does society actually know? Only how they want us to be, how they want us to look and act. Whatever is easiest for them to control us. And the minute they think we are no longer under their control, they panic and make it official that the person or group of people that have made it out of their grasp are crazy. They scare us into not wanting to be them.
Not wanting to see what they’re really doing to us, not wanting to peek into the future and understand what is going on.
Not wanting us to know firsthand the things they have done- because I know. Oh, do I ever.
When I first started blogging, I was so naive, so inexperienced.. I thought I knew things that I just didn’t know. And worst of all, I wasn’t accepting who I am and what I do.
I thought I had come to terms with this, with my whole personal world, and the reality of it is that I hadn’t. I had learnt things, and convinced myself that I was comfortable with what I see and do, but how could I have claimed to be ok with it all when I was still hiding? When I wouldn’t come out and say it?
Well, now I’m comfortable with it. Of course I could still become even more comfy with the whole thing, by coming out and telling people while in a convo- but I’ll get there.
The main thing is this: that I CAN get there, because I have gotten here. And how, you may ask, have I gotten here? In addition to my own slow progress inside, I have gotten comfy with this whole thing because of C. He’s so open about what he does, and how he does it… He doesn’t seem to care whether people deem him to be crazy or not, because he knows he’s not. There is no point in worrying about it. So, here is comes: confession time. I can see spirits- good and bad. I can see things that to you would only seem like a nightmare, or even an amazing dream. I hear the dead talk to me, telling me of things that are going to happen, and for the most part, they’re not far off. It’s a boost of confidence to know what I’m telling people is right, but at the same time.. I already know it is right.
I don’t need them to come back and thank me a million times for warning them/letting them know whats going on.
I can see into your mind without even a flicker of effort, but with a lot of guilt.
Hey, I’m not perfect- and I fully admit that I use this for my own selfish purposes. I’m human, after all.
Speaking of guilt- I’m kind of feeling it right now.
I kissed a girl last night, and it obviously meant nothing.. haha I mean, I don’t even know her name, and if I were to see her again, I wouldnt know who she was.
But, I feel guilty because C trusted me to be good. And, when it came to other guys, I was sooooo good. I didn’t even want to so much as glance at another guy- none of them can compare to C in any way at all.
I am so in love it’s ridiculous.
And this girl- I just didn’t think… because she was a girl. I don’t know.. Does it make sense at all? I told him about it, and he laughed and said it was fine.
I really wish he was here, so I could hold his hand and use this gift of mine for my own “selfish purposes” as I have said before. Because maybe it would ease my guilt. OR, maybe make it worse?
I don’t know. All I know is this: I have to write an essay right now, and I think my only trait is procrastination.

-Amber Christina

best thing in the entire world took place TODAY, and when im done telling you what my day was like today… you’ll wish you were me.
and if you dont- then you have even more issues to work out then i do.
thats not a good thing.
cause i have a lot apparently.
oook, so. my aunt came over today from Toronto and took me out for lunch, then bought me a fridge! AND groceries! bahaha you know your a student when…
anyhow, so she came back to my house, and chilled with me and my housemates. one of whom thought she was the hottest thing ever, and all i have to say to that is a) she is absolutly gorgeous, and b) i look like she did when she was my age.. soo, when im her age im gonna be hot.
sick.
anyhow, so she left and me and my housemates (G, M, and S) all decided to go a little crazy- probably started with me going crazy as usual- and smoked some pot, drank a bunch, and danced. we even had flashy lights!! lol im a loser.
anyhow, so BEST THING EVER- my boyfriend came over after class, so around 9, and we had sex. i know its a bit too much info, and deffenatly know that this isnt my normal writing style, but at this point (1:59am) im a little high still and im suprising myself by typing. so anyway, about my amaizing boyfriend and the porn-worthy sex he gives me.. we were so loud, someone called the police. the fucking cops. excuse me while i express myself: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA.
alright, glad i got that out of my system.
so, he had to leave to go chill with his brother and his friends who he hasnt seen in a while (i dont blame him), and i went out to pub night with G, M, and S. and some other guy, S’s friend, who i dont know.. haha i dont even know his name. anyhow, so i got dressed up in THE skankiest outfit i could muster, threw on my hooker boots, and went out.
so, i got hit on tonight more then i have in my entire life. and it did 2 things to me: boosted my ego, and made me miss my boyfriend even more then i already did… just cause… i look at those guys, and only see everything that they’re not.
i see everything that isnt C, and how they could never- and i mean NEVER- live up to what he is, who he is, and how he makes me feel.
so, needless to say, i danced with a few guys, talked with a few of em, but never did anymore then that.
i dont think i even know how to anymore.
way to go, C- you have officially ruined me for every other guy out there- and i love it.
anyhow, time for me to go eat some pizza, smoke more pot, and then go to bed.

-Amber Christina

i heard this today, but i dont know who said it. this is driving me crazy… what did it mean? who said it? i have so many aspects in my life that those words could apply to, but which aspect? all of them? what am i suppose to think through?
every time i heard this, it was as if someone had come up close and whispered it into my ear. and every time this happened, that person would brush my neck down to my back, and then i would turn around and only see them walking away.
and this is making me feel very uneasy… why not let me see who you are? and why only say the one thing?
think it through.
well, i do think things through… sometimes i guess. im odd that way, when i decide to analyze something, i over analyze it- but when i am not analyzing… i act on impulse.. there is just no happy medium with me is there?
think it through.
well, i could take it as a sign to think my decisions through more clearly… like, say… think through what im spending my money on, think through how i act towards people, think through my family issues and how i respond to them… think through what i do for school… but for some reason, that doesnt seem like the right answer.
think it through.
if you Google that, you get a guide to critical thinking.
if you Wikipedia the saying, you get nothing.
so, the internet is of no help to me right now… and i think its on purpose.. or maybe i am actually crazy.
who knows, but i do know that this is really annoying me, because (among a few other reasons) i am letting this gift of mine define me. im letting it control me to the point of insanity, and i had promised myself a long time ago that i would not let that happen again.
i need to define this gift, not the other way around.
i dont want to be known as “the girl with the gift” or “the really talented psychic girl”… i want to be known as me, Amber, who just so happens to have a gift. i want me to be first, then what i do.
think it through.
hmm.. it seems to me, i just did.
i thought through my gift.
maybe thats what it means?
well, at any rate, at least i know that even though my whole life is a bundle of mess and confusion, there is one thing in it that doesnt need to be thought through for once- my love life. me and C.
so, there’s something.
think it through.

-Amber Christina

love.
the definition of love can be many things: a love for an object, a love for a hobby.. or, in my case, a love for a person. this comes in two forms, i have found: 1) “beloved person: used in terms of endearment” and 2) “a deep feeling of sexual desire and attraction” as said by Google.
for me, i would say that i fit under those two very accurate definitions.
love.
well, at least i know what it means.. but, how long is it suppose to take for someone to fall in love? a day, a week, a month… a year? well, i’ve known C for about 3 months, and dated him for about 3 weeks i guess.. is that long enough? it feels like it.
i know in my last blog, i said that it was too soon to be thinking of the word love and all that goes with it- but i cant help but to feel it now.
and then.
and a little before then.
my mom says i fall in love too easily, but i don’t think this feeling links to any other i have experienced prior… because this feeling seems to put the word love into an “understatement category”.. am i making sense at all? i don’t know, maybe.. maybe i am only making sense to those who have experienced the type of feeling that i am right now, but who am i to say?
i’m a girl in love.
that much is clear.
i know so much about him, about his personality, the things he says, how he says them.. his interests, likes and dislikes.. his career of choice, or many careers of choice… and even about his future.. and i assume, that i know more about him that he even knows about him self.
i’m in a unique position here.. i hope he doesn’t mind loving the type of person i am.. or, that is, the type of person who can do what i can.
and im rambling..
i dont know anything anymore.. my head seems to be in a constant daze, and i think its because i know that this feeling of love is not one sided..
and its making me drunk off of pleasure and happiness.
speaking of pleasure… hmm. you probably don’t want to know.
but, he’s amazing. in a sexual way, and every other way.
C- i love you. a lot.

…love.

-Amber Christina.

honestly- wow.
thats all i can really say at this point, because thats the only word that seems worthy enough of my use at his point in time.
i am so fucking happy!
C just left.. i had been talking to him, and told him about the ‘dilemma’ i was facing. he came over pretty much as soon as i told him, which is cool.
i’ve never met someone who i could talk to about this stuff, let alone someone who could help.. and to have both in a boyfriend is something i had never even dared to hope for. and now i have that- and more.
i feel like im on cloud nine, no.. ten, cause i’ve been on clound nine before, and it was overrated.
this however, is something i have NEVER felt before, ever. infatuation doesnt even begin to describe how im feeling for this guy.
i’m not in love, it’s wayyyy too soon to even think about the word…
but, i do completely adore him.. and i could also fall so deeply in love with him, that i wouldnt even know how to get out, not that i would want to.
given a few months.
i give myself 2.
and thats being generous.
he completely took my mind off of what i was seeing, and feeling earlier, just by being himself, and making me feel as if i am a) the most beautiful person alive, and b) as though i’m on top of the whole world and nothing could bring me down.
nothing can compare to this- not even pot.
and thats saying something.
…as i have said before, wow.

goodnight

-Amber Christina

i’m staring into the darkness under my door. watching it as it moves slowly into my room, seeps like spilled blood onto my hands. and taks form into something else.
what is it that i am now looking at besides dismembered body parts? i have no clue anymore, but i do know that it terrifies me to the point of numbness.
i’ve seen all this before. this is nothing new.
and im not afriad.
i try and convince myself of that fact 24-7, but no matter how much i say it… it doesnt stick. i dont believe it.
afterall, i am still human. just an average 19 year old girl, with average problems, average looks, average friends.
average everything, except this. the one and only thing that sets me apart from the girl down the road, and the one thing that is the cause of my lonliness.
sometimes i feel so alone in this other-world of mine, that i cry.. not real tears, not sad tears. i dont know what kind of tears they are..
the same feeling of melencholia seems to be creeping up my back and into my head. i look around me and my room is crowded. but i look in the mirror and im all alone.. except that i can see that they’re there in my eyes. i see the darkness that’s making its familiar way inside of me, through my veins, sleeping in my bones, and twiching every muscle i have until it finally rests..
but does it ever rest? not lately.. it feels like that whole world is going topsy-turvy, completely upside-down.. and i have no clue what to do anymore.
im so fucking lost.
i light a cigarette, and the smoke blows accross their faces, making an imprint that only i can see.
i’m past the point of thinking im crazy, instead im at the point where i just need this shit to stop. stop tormenting me with the agonies of the world, stop telling me the bad that will happen.. what do you want me to do about it?
i’m not so special that i can make a difference.
or am i?
is it just them talking right now, or me?
my energy level is getting low… i just need to close my eyes, inhale the smoke.. and let it out.
let it out along with them.
its about time they leave.

-Amber

To look into the future means nothing to me. Why does everyone want to know what’s waiting for them tomorrow? I see what’s there- its nothing special. I went to go see my psychic a few weeks ago- helped her out with a client. She had told me that I was going to meet someone… and thats all I could think of after wards.. Who is he, where is he, are you him, or maybe its this guy… to the point where it drove me fucking crazy. But, I met that guy, I believe. Its silly of me to be feeling this way- as if im 16 again. I get butterflies in my tummy everytime I think of him. And when I see him, the butterflies go crazy. I really like C, more so then I should given the amount of time we’ve been spending together.. Does this make me weird? I dont think so.. I just think that this means he is the guy that Helen was telling me about. And if it is, all i have to say is that its about time. He is gifted in a way that amaizes me and makes me jealous at the same time- not a crazy hateful jealous.. a good one, if there is such a thing. You see, he doesnt have to see what I see and hear what I hear, but at the same time he still gets to help people. I’m happy for him- but mostly.. I’m happy to know him. I feel like he is one of the only people (including my mom) who actually understands me. He gets me like no one else has before, and it makes me feel really good. I can be myself- isnt that all i could ask for? I think so. Even though i have a feeling that things with C and I have potential to go really right, it doesnt mean I wanto to know if that feeling is accurate.. I like not knowing. I’m happy not knowing.
maybe you can take a lesson from me, and give me a little bit of a break. the voices around me are getting unbearable. something bad is going to happen, i know it.. i can feel it deep in my heart. in my bones.. and i can see it. They came to me last night, told me that it was happening. The only problem is, I dont know what ‘it’ is. I wish they would tell me things with more clarity sometimes.. how am I suppose to help prevent it if I dont know what it is that they want me to prevent?
There was a man. Thats one thing I remember. He was short- probably a little shorter then me, meaning about 5′4-5′5 or so. He stood there in the dark staring at me, and when I tried to scream he wouldnt let me. In a smash that consisted of blackness and pain, they were all over me. Crawling, screaming and scratching. What do they want from me? How can I help them if they wont help me?
Well, at least the things in my ‘normal’ life are finally playing out well.

see yah,

-Amber Christina