“everytime i come here, everything happens to me”-billie holliday
well, i am still a huge mess. i feel as if im about to fall apart from the seams any minute now.
why is it that everything bad has to occur in clusters? they cant just pan it all out so that you can have an equal distrubution of good and bad- cant give you enough time to get over one thing before throwing the next hurt at you. no, they have to hand em to you one after the other for three weeks strait, not giving you any time to think, breathe or stop crying.
cause i’ve been crying constantly for the past 4 weeks. (thank god nothing terrible happened in the last week, im just still so upset). honestly though… i really dont know what to do with myself. my boyfriend tries to help me all the time, but i feel like im pushing him away. he wants to be near me, and i want to be far away from him. but then again, not only him. from everyone. but is it really everyone i want to be far away from? no, not really. i want my mother. thats the only person i feel like i can talk to. the only one who will listen and understand, or try to.
everything i do seems to be haunted by the memory of what was. every action is tainted by memories. every time something happens, good or bad, my thoughts return to my dog who is no longer here, and to a friend that should be doing what i am, but no longer can. and with those thoughts, comes tears. a whole shit load of them.
my boyfriend took me away for the weekend. got us a nice hotel and everything. but all i could think about was how i wanted to be alone. how i cant feel anything- how numb i am. and i started to cry. i ruined it because i cant get over what has happened. will i ever?
i feel as if some days i cant live without him, and others i dont want him around. what is going on? he is perfet- he listens, trys to help me when i need it and is always there for me no matter what. so why am i feeling this way?
because of the death-combo that has recently presented itself to me. but is it really? i hope so.
i’ve been listening to the blues all day today (it always seems to help) and i find myself being able to relate to one of billie holliday’s songs once again- “Every time I come here, everything happens to me. i lose my man (in my case dog/friend), I lose my head, I lose my mind, feels like Im almost dead…”
what would billie do in my situation??
-Amber
