oh, the mind of a writer..

As my MSN name says today, im so confused. And im not even sure what it is that is confusing me. First my dog dies, a dog in which i have had by my side for almost 14 years has passed away, and just this morning i find out that a friend that has been in my life since i was 15 has passed on as well. As you can imagine, i’m a mess. I didnt see her as often as we both would have liked, but i talked to her all the time.. and i miss her a lot already. She was always able to give the best advice ever, and plan the best parties ever, though most of the time i couldnt make it. (She still kept trying to invite me anyway)… i am so confused.
maybe its God’s plan that i am confused with. I mean, i understand why my dog had to go- he was so old and in so much pain. But why my friend? She was only 19 years old, what was the point in taking her from this earth? What was the point in hurting me, her family and her best friend (who might as well have been her family) so much? She was the oldest of 5 kids, and always loved showing off her little brothers and sister. What could she have done to make God take her away?
But then, I suppose, God does have a reason for everything… He took her for a reason, even though the reason may never be clear to us.
I suppose all i have left to do is to dry my tears (i know Meg wouldn’t want me crying) and remember all the good/funny convo’s we’ve had, and feel happy that i was so fortunate to even meet such a selfless and caring person and to have her in my life.
Caty: Be strong. I know how much you meant to her, so i know how much it would upset her to see you cry. Just know that she will always be with you, no matter what you do or where you go. Please call me if you need anything.

Rest in Peace, Meg… I wish i could have spent more time with you like we were always planning…
I’ll never forget you, and always miss and love you.

-Amber

Have you ever had a song that means something to you even though it shouldnt? well, thats what this song is to me (Daughters by John Mayer). Its funny, because every time i hear this song, it brings me back to a point in my life where there was nothing wrong (yet). to a point where i was so peaceful, where i was so happy with the friends i had made during those first few months of university. Lying on my bed and watching the rain fall. What makes this even more random is that the lyrics in this song have nothing to do with what i was feeling, experiancing or thinking at the moment that it takes me back to.
I’m listening to this song right now for this exact purpose- to bring me back. I know i should never want to go back, only forward, but i cant help it. There is a void in my heart now that feels like it will never go away. A void that will never be filled. No, my boyfriend and i haven’t broken up, we’re actually very happy together right now. No, i dont have another one of (many) friend problems either, there is blissfully no drama right now (but give it time…). I’m excited about school, and im moving into a new place where i dont have to deal with the assholes i was living with before.
So, whats wrong? What could possibly be leaving me in so many tears and feelings of loss?
There has been a death.
A death that i feel as if i will never get over. So many philosophers say not to mourn the death of loved ones because (1) it is out of our control, and (2) because they are not leaving us- we are just giving them back. Back to where? there are many different outlooks and opinions on that one, but no matter the scattering of thoughts, they all started in the same place.
Now i wonder, have they ever lost someone who they love? a soul in which they care about almost too much? a soul that was always there kissing them better, wheather the hurt was emotional or physical?
This soul has been there for me since i was 6 years old, meeting him in my parents old room.
We used to play everything together, and even if he really didnt want to play with me, he still did. Even if he didnt want to get dressed up in girl’s clothes so we could play a game, he did. Just to please me. Me and my brother.
Everytime i did something bad towards him, he always forgave me. Forgave me and was ready to play again. He had this way of looking at you, so that he could pretty much get anything he wanted, wheather it was some tuna (which he really shouldnt have been eating) or accidentally ruining something like a rug.
You could never stay mad at him long.
He would come lay beside me when i was sick, and walk with me when i was stressed out. (or just needed to leave for a bit). He would kiss me when i was upset, and comfort me when no one else would.
When i cut, not only would he kiss it better, wipe away the tears and sit with me on the top step, but he would also listen to all my problems and secrets and never complain. (or tell anyone).
Although we sometimes thought he favoured my dad slightly, we knew he was devoted to us- my brother, mom, dad and i. No matter what we did, he was loyal and faithful.
And now he’s gone. i’ll never get to hold him, hug him or kiss him again.
I’ll never get to feel his warm and wet tounge on my cheek when im upset, or hear his bark when we first get home.
My dog will never come running up to me again.
But i will always love him.
Rest in Peace, Oliver, and know that i will never forget you.

-Amber Christina