oh dear…
Well, here I am in yet another state of melancholia. Lost in my desires and despairs, not really comprehending anything. God, I miss my cat right now. I know that it sounds… inaccurate at the moment, because she’s just a cat, but you don’t understand. She has this weird way of knowing when I’m sad, or the least bit depressed, purring in my face and neck, kneading my shoulder or chest… licking my face… I really miss my cat. My eyes are getting heavy, but not with fatigue. With emotional exhaustion. I’m fed up with the pressure I have put on myself, and I’m fed up with this depression. I’m fed up with having my happiness rely on how quickly a pharmacist can get a hold of my psychiatrist and get a re-fill on my Prozac.
I have a date tomorrow. And I regret agreeing to go. I don’t know how old he is, and he is not doing anything with his life. I mean, he wants to be a friggin farmer. Who aspires to be a farmer? Anyway, that’s beside the point. What is the point is that I want someone who is as smart as I am. I mean, I’m not conceded. I know I’m not gorgeous, I know there are prettier people out there, more talented people in this world. People who excel at things that I have no hope in hell to get remotely good at, and I’m perfectly fine with that, in fact, I’m happy about it because it means I get to enjoy the fruit of their accomplishments, because if it’s an accomplishment that is as wonderful as it can be, chances are the public will benefit from it as well. Anyhow, what I’m getting at here is that though I know that I am lacking in many things, like looks and a talent like singing… But, I know I am smart. Very smart, actually. To the point where I have a hard time finding someone who enjoys being as smart as I am, like I do. I am extremely insecure. And I have no problem in admitting that. However, when I am confident in something I can do, it must mean that it’s legit.
Anyhow. I feel like I’m falling apart right now, when I have no reason to feel this way. I mean, good things have been surrounding me lately, following me like a cure to a plague. But then, why is my sickness not yet gone? Why are my symptoms not subsiding? Am I at fault here somehow?
I mean, I got hired on the spot at Swiss chalet, my classes are almost done and I feel very confident about the exam I will write tomorrow and on Saturday, I’m ecstatic about my marks in my philosophy class, the one that actually matters because it’s my major.. I am moving to a pet friendly apartment with three guys on May first and I’m very excited about that, I’m going to be taking a spring course in my favourite subject, as well as staying in Peterborough. My parent’s house is as good as sold, and my osap money is finally going to come in, and to top it all off, the weather is finally beautiful.
…so, what the fuck is wrong with me? Why does this room feel so empty, when it’s so full? Why does my heart crave a love when I’m happy alone? Why do I see the things I do, and want to follow? Why do I feel the desire to do things I know I will not only regret later, but that will corrupt my entire life… and family. Why, why, why?
I have so many questions, and so many answers. It’s like a puzzle that I can’t seem to piece together. Will someone take my hand when I reach out for some help?
I guess I’ll just keep holding it out until I feel a warm hand touch mine.
I just need some guidance. Some help. I just need to put this puzzle together.
-Amber
