Monday, March 31, 2008

okay. lets see if this makes sense: falling for someone who you know doesnt want you. or, falling for someone who only wants you for one thing. lets just fall for a good friend, who you know cant have a relationship right now. yes. sounds absolutly crazy, right? mhmm. must be why i did it. does this make me crazy? no.
when i know now that i am regretted, i cant help but cry. i thought this would be different, but dont i always? he insits that hes different, but what proof do i have? well, a lot. if i were to write it down, it could be as long as an essay.
so why cant i just let it go? well, probably because this has happened so many times before. my body is always being used and then tossed aside.
they say they want me, they say they love me. but its not ME they love, its the idea of me. they love my eyes, my smile, my body. they dont normally want whats inside, or do they? do i judge too quickly? maybe. but am i going to stop? probably not. because im too emotional for the people around me. i seem to create my own problems, but i dont know how to stop. im too confused.
or, maybe everyone was right, in the end of it all, i’ll just get hurt. i have shunned EVERYONE because i felt it was right. because i felt that what they were doing to him was wrong. and now where has it left me? well, im not broken, but im hurt. deeply. he says he knows how to stop, but does he really? no, because he doesnt fully understand me. when i say that these people only want me for what they see, im referring to the people who i have met, and steriotyping many others.
but when.. WHEN, have i ever turned down a friendship or a chance to start something with someone because of this issue of mine? NEVER. i trust too easily, i know, but its something i would never change, because its the reason why i have learnt as much as i have. i dont let that get in the way of getting to know someone, but the minute i am told that i am regretted, im sorry, but thats when my past experiances DO become an issue.
you cant just say things like that, take them back, and expect everything to be perfectly fine.
because in the past few months, i have only sleep with people i care about. which is why i haven’t slept with anyone until just recently.
you are a good friend, at least thats how i would label you. but i cant just ignore this, because as im sure you can understand, i have always been steped on. and lately, i have been making the change of making people walk around me. of stopping this. so for me to completely disregard this whole day, is something i would love to do, but cant.
 
and yet, i dont regret a thing.

maybe its because i have finally found someone in this world (though only as a friend) that can sort of relate to me. that i feel close to. that i feel has gone through the same kind of pain i have. so though this whole thing has hurt me, im not going to turn my back on him, because that would be going against something i have always wanted.
i’ll find a love i deserve. i’ll find that special someone who will understand me, or at least for the most part. i’ll find someone who will sweep me off my feet, and who will love me for who i am, not for what im not. or, for what i have. perhaps, that is something that will happen soon. someone who comes from a place i have never been to, or someone who shares the same interests. someone who can apprecite what i do and what i have to offer. someone who can have long and abstract conversations with me about stars, time travel, and philosophy. and i hope the person who i have been previously talking about will still be a close friend, maybe even closer, and have the chance to meet this person. because i suppose, that though i am hurt by this…. its not something that i will allow to ruin what we have, cause.. well. i think you know.

-amber

Posted by amber christina at 23:13:35 | Permalink | Comments Off

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Tilt my head up, let me drink in your kiss,

Soak up the passion, grind my hips.

Your touch confuses me, putting me in this bliss,

Your stare reduces me too need your lips.

Thoughts roam in my mind,

Creating our love, making it unwind.

I’m coming undone, just from your smile,

Your leg brushes mine, creating contentment for a while.

But the time will come, late at night,

When I’ll need your presence to ease my fright.

To hold me close, and drink in my kiss,

And keep ourselves in this imaginary bliss.

-amber

Posted by amber christina at 17:50:02 | Permalink | No Comments »

Lets make music and write love,

Lets get sober and lose it, watch as our dreams swim high above,

Our heads in a daze, our words in the gaze,

Maybe we’re a faze, but I can’t hate you now,

Feed me those thoughts, regurgitate what you see,

Fill me up with some shots, and don’t listen to a word of my plea.

Forget the news, forget the world,

I’m too small to fill these shoes, just hold me close and think of nothing about me,

My words are curled, let our bodies be hurled,

At each other, at no other,

Who knows, maybe this is fate,

Whatever. As long as it suits me at the present date.

-amber

Posted by amber christina at 17:48:56 | Permalink | No Comments »

Saturday, March 15, 2008

the ugly duckling is now a swan. (though, the akwardness will never leave =] )

i’ve been thinking about high school a lot lately.. my experiance at St. Mary’s, the bad memories and the good. However, out of all the years that i spent there, the one i tend to linger on is grade 12. I never really thought about it this way, but i have to say that, it was probably my best year of school that i had ever had. i mean, at the time i thought i knew everything there was to know. i thought myself to be very wise; now dont get me wrong. i was, in conparison to most people in that age group. however, i thought that the only things i had left to learn were in a ’school’ sense. i was very wrong.

in a year, i have grown so much. i think back to last year, near graduation time… and i was so sure of myself. i knew what i wanted out  of my life, and i was so sure i knew how to get it. i was so happy, when i graduated high school, because not only would i be able to leave the drama of it all, and escape the cliuqes and rumours, but also… i was able to create my own life. my own way. i had the opportunity to re-define myself, among so many new people. but sense then, i have realized that the dream world i seemed to be living in… really didnt exist. and in one way, thats a good thing. in another, i wish i had that innocence back.

i never thought i would ever say this and actually mean it… but i miss high school. i dont miss [most of] the people, and i dont really miss the classes… but i miss the life style. i miss the ‘Bye Bye Birdy’ play we put on, the SMSS fashion show, the talent shows, the Terry Fox run, the feeling of freedom everytime we went out for lunch to dairy queen or the pizza store, coming home to my mom and dad, having a time in which i had to be in bed by, watching american idol with my family, the work… and though i hate to admit this more then anything… yes, i do miss the uniforms. but also, the excitement of a dress down day. i miss the library, and the teachers… and deffenatly the secretary’s, whom i was on a first name basis with. i miss it all so much, but its not purely in a sad way. its almost like a bitter sweet feeling, because i know.. that i will come accross even better things in my future.

now, during this pass year i have made some choices im not entirely proud of. i have made friends with people who do not deserve my attention, and i have had to learn many things the hard way. but having said that, i have also made some really good decisions, very good friends, and had even better experiances. there are some people who i want to thank for being there for me, through it all… because without you, i wouldn’t have gotten stronger from those ‘low’ moments, but allowed them to make me weaker. So, thank you Mom, Dad, Nana and Papa for being there… for believing in me and showing me that i always have someone to lean on whenever i feel like quitting, and that i always have someone to pick me back up when i fall. Also, my brother Cameron, because without him there constantly giving me his insight, and most of all making me laugh.. i would be lost, no doubt. also, i want to thank Dana, because honestly.. you really have made me not only a stronger person during the past 7 months, but a wiser and calmer person as well. you have shown me things that not many would be able to show me, and you were always there for me when i had a fall out. so, again for just being there and so much more… thank you. i love you very much. another person i would like to thank is Melissa, because in spite of everyone else i have talked about, you know me the best. and with that, you know how to get me smiling, how to help me forget about my problems (after we talk them through) and just have fun. i love you babe, you know that!! (and i can not wait for summer.. it’ll be even BETTER then last summer! ohh the boys… ;] )

i am so happy that i went through everything that i did this year, because it has just served to make me a better, wiser, and stronger person. and though i miss the childlike innocence that i used to have, and that fairy-tale way of thinking,i wouldnt want to  go back to that even if i could. because im so much happier here, where i am at now. because i know im not nearly done learning about myself, the world and the people in it

im actually… so happy. =]

-Amber

Posted by amber christina at 00:05:26 | Permalink | Comments Off

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

The crow calls out into the night, but I shall not follow as I normally would. I shall not follow into that dream world, where they show me things that were only meant for my eyes to see. It’s starting again, the creatures screaming their way to the end of my bed. The lost souls crying and wringing their hands, waiting for me to understand what they have to say. Don’t they see? I do understand. It’s them that are at fault, for they do not speak loud enough.  My record stops spinning for one brief moment for me to hear the dead cry. Why have they come for me? Do they not know I will not follow tonight? They tell me of things to come, about my family and friends. They whisper long lost words in my ears, and show me how to cast happiness and misery over others. Surly they know that tonight, I will not follow. Play my record, please. Put it back on; for it calms my nerves and helps me think. I see you there in the corner, I see you lurking in the shadows. Waiting for me to forget, waiting for my guard to be down. But, for some reason, they do not realize that I can smell them, I can hear them breathing, their heart pounds in my head making it ache. So my guard will never be down. They will never be able to get to me like they want to; but that doesn’t mean they’ll stop trying. Showing me visions of a man dressed in a black trench coat, and pale skin. Red is splashed on him, as if put there accidentally. The blue of his eyes do not show me innocence, but instead a depth that sends chills up my spine and back down again. There is something provocative about him, luring me into those blue depths. Holes are more like it. Never ending oceans full of sharks and urchins; trying to get me to jump in. He almost has my hand, before I snatch it away. Do they think me stupid? I know who he is, and I know what he wants. For he is not a ‘he’, but a thing. An animal that was made to hunt down and kill, to use for human kind’s pleasure. He is now MY puppet on MY string, and it is now time for him to reap what he has sewn. The vision disappears like a smash to my head; all dizziness and black. I have to regain composure again. Play my record please, I need to think. Put those long lost voices back to the needle, and let their music drown my thoughts. It’s time for you to leave.

Posted by amber christina at 03:40:41 | Permalink | Comments Off