Thursday, February 28, 2008

lost pauses, new causes

I feel as if my problems are history,

When i think back to yesterday, i was in pure misery

I have finally found what it is im looking for,

Someone who actually cares, see’s deep into my soul.

I can lie with him without any make up, no fancy clothes,

He looks at me in a way that his love for me shows.

He loves every freckle, curve and inch of my skin,

Making me feel like if i try anything, i’ll win.

It feels like we can fly, soar far away,

Forget about the pain and tears that were shed yesterday.


-amber

Posted by amber christina at 21:31:59 | Permalink | Comments Off

Monday, February 25, 2008

and the prize of who has the most complicated life goes to…

kay, so heres the thing… i sometimes lead guys on, just cause i like the atention.
and the majority of the time, i dont realize im doing it… i mean, i say what i say and do what i do because of the attention they give me in return, but while its happening, i seem to think its just as friends.. until i later reflect on the convos we had and what we laughed about, and realize, that they’re right.
i did lead them on.
Just as i did in one particular occasion at the beginning of the school year, around october i should think.
I lead him on, (im not gonna name who) and when he asked me out… I said no.
I said no, knowing that he though i would accept because i made it look like i was interested, even though i wasnt.
all without fully realizing what i was doing, until i stopped and thought about it.
but yet, i continued.
does this make me a bad person? Because it seems i do this quite frequently.
I should pay more attention to what i say and do, yes i know. But at the time, i dont really think about it.
confused yet? i dont blame you if you are.
ugh, my life is way too complicated sometimes.
i think from now on, im going to make an effort to be simple; not my thoughts or anything like that because i cant change that, but anything and everything else that i CAN make simple.
but first, i have to fix this problem that i have realized i possess.
wish me luck, i have a feeling i’ll need it.

-amber

Posted by amber christina at 19:01:03 | Permalink | Comments Off

Sunday, February 24, 2008

live, laugh, love.. and trust.

This blog is not about those people who have let me down in the past. It’s not about the mean spirited and immature people that surround me at the moment. This blog is dedicated to the only two people who I can always count on, the only two people who I can trust with my life, and know that they aren’t trying to create the allusion of being my friend to benefit themselves alone. The only two people who I can rely on to carry me through anything, like they have previously. This blog is for my mom and dad.
 Mom- I don’t know what I would ever do without you. If it weren’t for your determination to make me better, for you never giving up on me, I would either be living on the streets and selling myself, or dead. The fact that I am in university right now, is because of you. When I’m lost, or in trouble, I know I can always count on you to be there for me. Whenever someone hurts me, it’s you who talks me through my breakdown. It’s you who keeps me from cutting. It’s you who keeps me sane, and I can’t even begin to count my blessings because I have you in my life. I am strong because of you. What continues to amaze me, though, is the fact that all I have to do is call you, and you drive to where ever I am in an instant. Because of you, I know that I will never lose faith. After all I put you through, from the black hair, to the smoking, to the lying and the cutting, you never stopped believing in me, never stopped telling me that I am strong, that I am better than this, and that I will get through it all. But the most amazing thing, to me, is how you do all this with a smile on your face and sarcasm in your voice- no matter what it is you’re talking about, you are always able to make me laugh. You’re always able to get me joking around and being happy, and if it weren’t for you I would not only be lost within myself, but also with my gift. I would not know what it’s like to have a big, close family, and I would not have the morals and values that I have. I love you, mom, and though I get mad at you for interfering, and we occasionally fight, I know that everything you say to me, or do for me… is because I’m your little girl. Because you see my potential even when I don’t. I want to dedicate the song “I turn to you” to you, because to me, those lyrics describe mostly everything you are to me… and leaves out some more. So thank you, mom…I love you. (now it’s your turn to say it back… J)
Dad- No matter what, I know I can always count on you to vent to. I can talk to you about things that I can’t talk to anyone else about, because for some strange reason, you are probably the only person in this entire world who actually understands me… well, for the most part. Almost every childhood memory that I have of me and Cam laughing and having a great time was with you… In the back of Big Red, in the mud, on the beach skipping rocks.. but mainly, doing things that we all knew mom wouldn’t want us to do. When mom had that problem with that one boyfriend that I had the most problems with (think… grade 9 and 10, black hair, and a big bruise on my eye), you were the one who let me learn my own way- the hard way- and accepted my decision to be with him. And though you never quite understand my gift, you never ignore it. You never told me that it’s not happening, and that I’m crazy like most people would do, instead you try to understand, and help me anyway you can. But out of everything, the one thing that I will never forget, is our drives. Sitting in the car on the beach and talking, while drinking tea. (and before my allergies, eating cream puff doughnuts). The song that I want to dedicate to you is “Butterfly Kisses”, because no matter what happens, I’ll always be your little girl. And I’ll always love you, though at times, you do get on my nerves…J
I want this world to know that you can do your worst to me. Say what you want to say about me. Because with the amazing parents that I have, I know that I can and will get over anything you say or do to me. Because they are the only true people on  this earth that I can count on no matter what, the only people who will see me though to the end, the only ones who really want the best for me, who aren’t out for themselves but instead, for me. The only people who will never betray me and love me for me. And I them. I cherish them to no end, and because of everything that they had to put up with, my respect for them grows every day. I don’t need anyone but my mommy and my daddy.
 No matter how old I am.

 

-your little girl, Amber.

Posted by amber christina at 06:33:34 | Permalink | No Comments »

i dont want to leave- feb. 22, 2008

I leave today. Something that I’m entirely too reluctant to do, because leaving means leaving peace of mind-tranquility…and returning to the chaos and mistrust that I call my life. And in all honesty, that is the last thing that I want to do. So I sit here in the warm sun, reflecting, and wishing I had more time here. Away from it all. From the lying and deceiving, from the rumours and the stress, the tears and the nights where I can’t sleep, or the days where that’s all I want to do- just to get away from it all. I feel as if I belong here, where the sweet smell of grass never leaves and the sight of palm trees and cactus’s are an everyday occurrence. Arizona. Gahh.. I just wish everything could be less complicated… I would be entirely too happy if my life were simple. But, I suppose that’s why my imagination is so big.. Why I’m a dreamer… Because if left alone, I could get so lost in my thoughts and dreams for hours. Dreaming of a life where I actually have friends who care about me, who love me, not just the idea of me. Don’t get me wrong, I do have one of those… I just wish I had the fortune to have more than just one. And I wish they were here with me, along with my family, to share this warmth, this calmness, and happiness. To get away with me, so we can all see this beautiful place. But, now it’s time to leave my dream world, and return to the reality… time to go back to Canada. Time to go back home… God, I really don’t want to leave.
 -Amber
Posted by amber christina at 06:24:46 | Permalink | Comments Off

arizona-feb.20, 2008

The feeling I get while on a horse is… so unexplainable. It’s like nothing I have ever felt before. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, about the same old problems that have been corrupting my life for the past couple of months, and the minute I swung my leg over that saddle, it was as if I had not one problem in this world. And it helped that the rider that was leading the group was tossing me compliments.
 But setting aside the fact that the leader was reallyyyy hot, this was an amazing hour. I wish it lasted longer. The calmness of everything seemed to just sink right into me, making me completely relax. It was cool for Arizona, in the low sixties, and about to rain. You could smell it in the air, that really fresh smell… probably one of my favourite smells of all time. While riding around in the desert, you could see the mountains in the distance, and the creek below us. My horse, Yogie, was excellent. Absolutely beautiful, and listened so well. My only wish was that I wanted to run, let the horse just gallop and fill my calm body with some thrill. Freedom. To let me actually laugh for once, laugh from deep inside me. Something that I haven’t been able to do for quite a while. Something that I know a horse is capable of letting me do.
 Throughout that ride, I was able to let my problems and worries, all those anxieties slip away. I seem to be able to get the most clarity while on a horse, my thoughts just seem to come to me easily, naturally just like the way the wind blows my hair. I’m not self conscious, and I’m not un-happy. For once, I can breathe. Actually breathe. I can do whatever I want, and not feel ashamed by people’s comments, I can let all their issues with me, their words that were so hastily thrown my way, their insults and their stares just… slide away… leave my mind, my body, my soul. And let me not care. I don’t care. On that horse, I know who I am. I’m no longer unsure of myself. And I know… that I don’t need anyone except my family to make me happy. Because out of everyone on this earth, they are the only ones who will let me live my life how I want to live it, they are the only ones who will not throw judgment my way… and love me for me.
The only ones besides this horse.
But, now I’m off this horse… and I’m back to being this unsure, self-conscious, and antsy person… and as long as I know that I will be back on a horse soon, I’m fine with that.
-Amber.
Posted by amber christina at 06:21:05 | Permalink | Comments Off

Friday, February 15, 2008

you ramble about the truest things…

have you ever looked through someone’s pictures and realized that you need to get actual friends?
like, not the fake ones that put the “friend” label on them and then screw you over, but real friends?
real friends and pot. get high. just forget for a bit, and have fun.
i need that.
really bad.
to everyone else, fuck you.

i cant wait till summer.
:)

Posted by amber christina at 00:24:38 | Permalink | Comments Off

Saturday, February 9, 2008

load me up with some jazz babe, and watch me float away….

everytime im here, in this state of mind, i find it harder and harder to get out.
with so much going on in my life, so much drama and work, its hard for me to find a place where i can just be me, who i am. where i can reflect on the day, on my week, month, year and life. where i can calmly lay out my priorities and realize that i have everything i need right here with me: a faithful friend, my writing, family, cat and above all, my knowledge of myself.
i know who i am. i just tend to let things get to me a little too much.
and where is this place where i can reflect, relax and just be myself?
my room. my bed. listening to my favorite jazz, blues and soul artists.
i find myself connecting to the words they sing, the feeling behind their voice.
and i know, that i dont need anyone or anything. all i need are the simple things in my life that make me who i am, and make me happy.
in which, i have just named above.
i need to live for myself. not for anyone else.

in the words of one of my favorite blues artists:
“I’ve been down so long, that down don’t worry me”

-amber

Posted by amber christina at 01:06:20 | Permalink | Comments Off

Monday, February 4, 2008

hopeless romantic

im in a really sad mood right now. and im not exactly sure why…
you know, sometimes i think that i should have been alive in the 40’s. it seemed so pure; so innocent. like, if you told someone you loved them, you meant it.
when a date meant that you were lucky to get a good-bye kiss, let alone sex.
when women were presued.
a time when romance was just a way of life, to most. the clothes were so beautiful, as were the hair styles.
their way of life was…. simple.
something i envy so much.
i love to just lay back and listen to some old records, close my eyes and dream of what it would be like for me, if it were the 40’s.
im sad for this world, and what its come to.
the respect is gone; the presuing has just become a fond memory, but i cant blame it totally on time… i must also blame it on how easy people are. easy to manipulate, easy to convinse.. easy to sleep with.
and i blame that, amongst other things, as to why the romance has left this world.
i think about those times, and what it must have been like.
and what it would be like to be presued. to be wanted. to be cherished and valued. what it would be like for someone to hold me high above everything else. to receive poetry as a surprise, flowers just cuz, and kisses on the forhead. to lie in the grass and talk of nothing at all. to hold hands, and to sleep in their arms without so much as the thought of sex.
i want a love thats pure.
i want that romance, that devotion…
i dont want to have to think about what anyone else’s opinion is when it comes to matters of the heart. when it comes to the one i love. i want it to be a purely romantic experiance, supportive and spiritual.
but, i need to stop thinking about what i want, and start thinking about whats realistic.

-amber

Posted by amber christina at 05:27:16 | Permalink | Comments Off

Saturday, February 2, 2008

have you ever had those days where every little thing annoys you?
where nothing anyone [including yourself] does is right?
all i want to do right now is curl up in a ball in my favorite couch and sleep.
sleep or read.
why cant everyone just let me live?
please, just leave me alone.

-amber

Posted by amber christina at 19:45:52 | Permalink | Comments Off

this really needs to stop.

just hear me out here…
why is it that everyone else is allowed to speak their mind, give their opinion, or defend themselvs without getting bitched at in return?
why is it that people get mad at you over things like facebook, but then clam to be mature? grown up?
just a little thought: get over yourself.
if you can say what you need to say, defend yourself, or give your opinion on something, so can i.
and if you want to get mad at me for something so childish as a facebook note, myspace, my msn name or a display picture… if you want to get mad at me for speaking my mind, giving my opinion, ect, and think you can do it still, then dont come to me with your problems anymore. dont expect me to help solve your issues, dont expect me to dry your tears, dont expect me to be there when you need me.
because i only do those things for friends.
and if you do the things i have previously mentioned, and more.. you are not a friend.
grow up.

-amber

Posted by amber christina at 19:26:25 | Permalink | Comments Off