Monday, January 28, 2008

questions.

i need some time to think. cant you just give me my time to think?
cant you just stop, for one breif moment, and just.. leave me to my thoughts?
it seems as if i could be completely content with my life if i was alone in it. if i had no one to cause drama for me to deal with.
but then, i let the drama get to me. i let it into my world, i preceive it. and without evil, there can be no good; for thats what creates the balance in this world.
so how then, can someone eliminate drama and pointless immaturity caused by ones peers from their life?
is there a way?
well, i can reason that it should not matter because i am the only person who actually exists in this world.
i see you, but only through my senses. only through my minds eye, because everything i see, is created by my mind.
but if thats the case, how do others see the same thing that i do?
if i point something out, how do they see it too, if its only in my mind? if it was created by my mind?
these are just some questions that have been reeking havoc in my mind all day.
i’ll find answers to them.
and i’ll let you know when i do.

-amber

Posted by amber christina at 04:27:16 | Permalink | Comments Off

Saturday, January 26, 2008

…

this is just a thought thats running through my head right now.
and i need to get it out.
if you are my friend, you’ll stick by me no matter what.
if you are my friend, you wont make me feel guilty for hangin out with another friend.
if you are my friend, you will see how i am right now, and not add more drama and stress to my pile.
and if you are my friend, and you have done one of these things, you’ll try and work it out with me, for not only my sake, but for our friendships sake aswell.
you see me, how i am right now, so many of you do. so why must you add to my stress? why do you feel the need to tear me apart even more? its times like these that i feel as if i have very few or no friends. and its the most lonely feeling in the world.
now dont get me wrong, im not asking for the world to cater to me because of how im feeling right now, because by all means, if i have done something wrong, or hurt you in anyway, then say something. and help me talk it through with you; help me fix it. because chances are, i wasnt aware of what i did. and if i was, i’m probably guilty as hell, or really upset about treating you that way. so let me apologize.
because if our friendship means to you what it means to me, you wont drag this on. you’ll see that im standing on the edge here, and all i need is a little push to fall. fall to the point where i cant get up. where no one can wake me up. gone forever.
i know i’ve been acting a little differently lately, and for that i truly am sorry, because its not intentional.
and i know that i have done some things lately that im not proud of at all, and again.. it wasnt intentional.
i dont want these people who mean so much to me to think badly of me. to think that this is how i am. because its not.
normally, i cater to everyone. everything i do is for someone else, friend or not. i’m always giving someone a part of me, taking it upon myself to care for them and make them better, weather its physically or mentally.
and sometimes, that can take a toll on you.
but what happens when im not mentally well? where are all those people that i helped? who is there to hold out there hand, or talk me out of jumping? i feel like all my efforts have been for nothing.
because where are they when i need some help?
parting. drinking. working. being pissed.
everywhere but here.
except a select few.
so thank you for being there for me when no one else is. (you know who you are)
and for those of you who lable yourself as a friend, but then block me in my time of need, because of a stupid fight that reminds me so much of the immaturity of high school, you need to step back and look at the big picture here.
you need to realize that i need you.
and your not here.

-amber

Posted by amber christina at 23:37:18 | Permalink | Comments Off

where do i start?

my head is pounding.
and spinning.
i have so much shit going on in my head- in my life- that i need to fix.
that i need to take control of, and just… deal with it.
and i would… if i knew where to start.
between school, friends, my personal dicisions, money and life in general.. im lost. so completely lost. i feel like i want to go to bed and not wake up. not at all. and just so you know, its not the cause of you. so dont give yourself the credit of me feeling this way, because it takes a lot more then some immature people who like to act like their 12. no offence to those who are 12.
honestly though. its rediculous.
i need money. and fast. my parents said they’d help me out with my rent, my bills. but i dont want to put that on their shoulders. i dont want to take their money. i want to take care of myself, i want to show everyone, including me, that i can do this. but am i just fooling myself in thinking i can?
because i’ve just had my third break down in 2 weeks.
and to me, thats not taking care of myself.
im in a downward spiral, spinning out of control.
thats why i;ve been smoking lately. because i heard it helps stress. i just dont want to get addicted.
but i digress.
i seem to create my own problems, and my mom so kindly pointed that out to me today as i was ballin my eyes out on her couch. im home for the weekend, as always, and i feel like i cant be here. i feel like i dont know where i want to be. in a way, i want to be with my family, and in a way i dont. i dont want them to see me like this. i dont want them to know i’ve been thinking of cutting. i dont want them to worry about me when i go back on my own. although im never truly on my own. not really.
but at the same time, i dont want to go back to my place, because i feel as if i have no one there. well, no. thats a lie, i do have someone.
but i feel like i just keep screwing up one thing right after the other. i see what im doing wrong, and i am trying SO HARD to fix everything. so hard, and no one seems to notice. all they seem to do is continue to show me what im doing wrong.
well, what about what im doing right? what about the extra 2 hours a day that im spending on school work? what about me handing out resumes? what about me trying so hard to fix things with my ‘friends’? what about that?
all my efforts seem to go un noticed. infact, it seems as if the only time i am noticed is when im doing something that people think is wrong. something that people like to talk about; gossip about.
im always what they talk about.
and its hardly ever anything good when i am the topic of conversation.
maybe i just need to find some friends.
like, actual friends.
i have a few, i think.
one for sure.
and to top off this ‘awesome’ day, i also lost all my ID. birth certificate, SIN card, health card info, student card.. everything.
im so lost.
where do i start?

-amber

Posted by amber christina at 07:44:17 | Permalink | No Comments »

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

untitled

Watch as the world spins,

Watch how my reality clings,

If god is real,

Why can’t i feel?

Standing in the cold,

Cigarette in hand,

Showing my hold,

Creating my stand.

The words you say always seem to make it worse,

Load me up in a coffin, shove me in a hurse.

Why is it that the one person my heart beats for,

Is the one person i cant lure?

You want to break my heart? Go right ahead,

You’re the one i want, your body in my bed

Breathe in the smoke,

Try not to choke,

This is my cause,

Creating this pause,

Life stops for one brief second,

as i lock eyes with you, this ought to teach me my lesson.

Posted by amber christina at 19:06:32 | Permalink | Comments Off

cigarettes and booze.

everything i do seems to be wrong. i continue to find myself wrong, especially after another fall out. but you know what? i can only be myself.. so sorry thats shit for you. but from now on, walk around me, not all over me.
the trouble that happens between myself and everyone else, is over. im not dealing with this fucking shit anymore. i love how everything i do is crap, shot to hell, according to everyone, im the spawn of satan, but yet they’re perfect fucking angels. nothing is ever good enough, well you know what? THIS is my breaking point. please, dont let me get in your way, dont let me put drama into your life over something i choose to do, just ignore me. because im sure as hell gonna ignore you.
this shit, this depression caused by all of you, is over.
im not letting this happen again…i refuse to let you push me to that point anymore.
who am i to you that every action i make is so important that you should say something?
glad to know im the center of your world, but your NOT the center of mine.
so get the fuck over it.
im over with this whole bullshit, and you know what else im over? relationships. im done with it. because all they cause is tears, heartbreak and drama. drama i dont need.
im single. im happy. if i need to fuck, i have 2 people i can go to. one at school, one at home.
if i need a friend, i have about 5 that’ll listen, and dont judge me.
why the fuck do i need you and your bullshit?
i dont.
get over it.
now if you excuse me, im gonna go have some rum and smoke some cigarettes.
try not to lose sleep over it.

-amber

Posted by amber christina at 04:55:51 | Permalink | Comments Off

watch me fade away

the tears that keep fallin,
are from the words you keel callin,
i feel so alone and lost,
my heart is covered by the frost,
so cold im numb,
i just wanna go back to where i came from.
im broken, can you see?
stop poking, leave me be.
the thought of life is dim,
my problems are filled to the brim,
i just want to bleed,
no longer feed,
your anger is the cause of this,
my fist is clenched in a fist,
watch as my blood runs cold,
out of my body, where my soul had caught hold,
trapped inside,
though i couldnt hide,
watch as the life drains,
watch as my sadness rains,
over your head,
inside your bed,
now we must live with what has been said.

Posted by amber christina at 00:20:26 | Permalink | Comments Off

Monday, January 21, 2008

the end

i cant breathe.
i cant breathe, and i cant think. i cant even feel.
my emotions, my body, my everything.. has just gotten numb, so completely numb. to the point where if i were to cut through the skin on my wrist, i wouldnt even feel it.
i hate thinking this way, and i hate being this way.
but this is how i am sometimes, and it hurts even more to think that i may never find anyone to be with, because no one seems to be able to handle me. no one seems to even want to. they get to a certain point, and they’re done.
i thought i had found someone who loved me. like, really loved me. who made me really happy. and then, as i started to become this, as things in my life just started getting so fucking complicated, as i started to get torn apart, and depressed, as much as i tried to fight it (am still trying to fight it) things with him and i started going down too.
i didnt say anything because he had enough to worry about.
and i wont ever say anything again, because really, whats the fucking point?
whats the point in letting someone get close to me? so that i can fucking become a nervous wreck in the end? no thanks.
fuck love.
fuck friendship.
fuck me.
i hate everything right now, but mostly, myself.
how could i allow this to happen?
i need to stop making myself feel guilty. but i cant.
its not my fault, but it is. it is to a certain point, because this is a result of my depression.
i let myself get close to someone, to love someone, (in my own way), to be called a cunt in the end.
to be left alone and worthless.
to be left here, in my dark room, that feels more like a coffin then anything… waiting to die.
god, i think im having a mental break down…
and an asthma attack.
talk later i suppose.

im at my end.

-amber

Posted by amber christina at 08:10:45 | Permalink | Comments Off

Saturday, January 19, 2008

‘kind of’

have you ever felt so completely alone before?
even though you may be surrounded by so many people?

thats kind of how im feeling now- and i say ‘kind of’ because im not entirely sure. im not really sure about anything anymore. well, almost anything. i am sure of what i want my life to consist of, and i am most positively sure what i would like to become in life, but it seems as if thats it.

i’m completely void of emotion right now. i feel empty, so completely empty. i have no swell of emotions inside of me right now, which is a kind of release to me, a source of purification perhaps, because i’m always experiancing some sort of extravagant emotion. love, or lust. sadness, or happiness. but right now, im not even content. i dont know what i am. i have so many men around me, looking for some affection, but i dont  know if i can be the person to give it to them. i dont know because i feel as if i have none to give. i feel drained. it’s to the point where i’m too… tired of it all to even lift a finger to type a response to them over msn. i dont want to love anyone anymore. well, not anymore. just for the time being. because that never gets me anywhere good.

i no longer know what to think of myself anymore, but i feel myself slipping. i feel myself thinking of a certain something that i dont want to deal with again. haha, i love how i just said that. cutting is not something to deal with, its like smoking. an addiction, a harmful addiction. i’ve recently started to smoke a lot more then normal, like, im not addicted, but im afraid that if i continue how i have been going, i will be shortly. which is probably not a good thing. anyhow, i dont want to go back to cutting. i really honestly dont. so then why does it continue to cross my mind? why do i keep allowing it to taint my thoughts? i dont know- but please realize, i do not support cutting or any form of self-mutilation. not at all. but again, why do i allow myself to think about it? well, the truth is, i dont ‘allow’ myself anything. it just seems to happen.

i’m slowly falling apart.
but i wont let myself come completely undone. i wont because i cant.

-amber

Posted by amber christina at 16:41:17 | Permalink | Comments Off

Friday, January 18, 2008

from bad to okay :)

alright. where do i start?

well, i can start with- if you are ever feeling depressed, or down in anyway…vandalize something.

in all honesty, it lifts your spirits like no other, even if it is just for a minute.

vandalize and smoke.

now, your probably wondering what the fuck im talking about, but seriously, i dont even know what im talking about. at least, i havent for the past few days.

i’ve been really down, really depressed about people and their actions. their pointless drama, their obvious jealousy and insecurity. about school and just life in general. and i tried everything to try and pick myself up again, but it seemed as if i was in a black hole where i just wasnt going to come back. then my friend, who had been going through a rough time as well, had msg’d me on msn and asked if i wanted to hang out. and seriously, that was probably the best thing anyone could have done at that point. like, the walls seemed as if they were slowly caving in. i think i would have rathered if they were rapidly caving in, that way it wouldn’t be so bad.

like, i just think that at some point, people like me just have to stop being so god damned nice, so forgiving.. and start to guard their feelings and emotions a little more. but up some walls, not huge ones, not enough so that no one can get in… but just enough to be protected, y’know? because i’ve just hit a breaking point, and i cant do this childish shit anymore. im done.

but anyway, so something you need to understand before i continue- whenever we hang out we always end up getting coffee and shit, and this time i had actually brang some money to pay for it this, but when i got into the car.. he had already bought it. and i know that is probaby not segnificant at all, like, not even in the least bit to you, but it really made me smile, because i thought.. wow, those assholes who have been getting me down lately, dont mean anything. they shouldnt mean anything me, not when i have friends like these. though, very few.

we were driving in his car, and he pulls up to a dead end road with a huge sign, and sais “ok, are you ready for this? but we have to make a quick get away.” and i said sure, he gets out of the car, runs up and spray paints “D+A” ina  heart, runs back to the car and drives away really fast. its just… it meant something to me because.. it was one of the only times i actually really laughed today. so we drive up to an old building that hasnt been used in a couple years, jump out of the car and start spray painting. and its like, just random stuff too. and i know its probably wrong that we did that, but.. like, thats exactly what i needed. and the fact that he would do that with me, most likely to try and cheer me up, as well as himself, was awesome.

and i love him all the more for that :)

im looking at my hands.. and really hoping this green and purple paint comes off soon.

but.. im feeling better.

g’night.

-amber

Posted by amber christina at 07:32:17 | Permalink | Comments Off

Thursday, January 17, 2008

sexuality vs. society

okay. lets talk sex. and lets talk gender. i don’t want this to be another ‘feminist’ rant, because that’s not what this is. first off, i think that everyone in this world should be considered equal. everyone who has lived their lives to the fullest, everyone who has abided my the law, because i believe that people who break the law severely, must think that the law which is meant for everyone, was not meant for them. but i digress.. i was just showing that in my eyes, gender and colour, ethnicity… any physical differences do not mean anything to me, because we are all equal. and most people who i speak to, agree with me.

so, in this case, what happened to the sexuality aspect of things? why is it that a guy who doesn’t want to ‘take advantage’ of a girl, who turns a girl down for sex for a reason as simple as he doesn’t want to seem easy, why is it that if a guy wants to take things slow he’s considered a ‘pussy’ or not bad ass enough in the eyes of most men.. but then in contrast, a good guy to most women. why is it that a guy who likes to sleep around and use women as a source of pleasure, a guy who doesn’t want a relationship, he doesn’t want to date, he just wants to fuck random’s or have a friends with benefits considered awesome, and is probably getting props for every girl he fucks, while to women he’s an asshole? why can’t we all just calm down? first off, in the guy’s defence to sleep around.. he needs someone to sleep with, and if your the one who ended up giving it up, you consented, and you knew what he wanted. so how about you don’t complain. second, if he deceived you, yeah. you have every right to be pissed. and third, about the guys who want to take it slow, and not sleep around, all you other guys should respect his decision, because in the end, he’ll end up getting so much ass its unbelievable… pardon my use of words.

now, on the flip side of things.. for those women out there who want their numbers to be low, who don’t sleep around, and/or want to remain a virgin until your married or until your absolutely sure about it, all the power to you, and you should really get the respect you deserve. and for you guys, uhmm.. how about you not call them things like a prude, or square or whatever, because that’s their decision, and you should respect that to no end. and if you end up with a girl like that, wait for her to be ready. don’t push it, don’t pressure her, its a little thing i like to call respect. now, for the girls out there who don’t care. who have a huge man mentality, who are picky who you sleep with, however random’s aren’t beyond you, and neither is friends with benefits. other women out there and men, the word I’m thinking of here is NOT slut, not whore, not anything along those lines. its a little thing called personal choice, and none of you have a right to poke around and judge what they do in their personal time. you don’t call the guys who do that a slut or peg them a certain name other then ‘jerk’ if they have led on a girl. and by all means, if a woman who chooses to do that does lead a guy on in order to fuck, then yeah. call her a bitch. call her an asshole. don’t call her a slut, because even though she did that, guys do it to, and we as a society don’t peg them anything nasty like that. so hey, if you guys can screw around occasionally, then we can to. get over it.

sex is sex, and for those women who have a ‘man mentality’, all the power to you. show them what they do is alright, AND deffenatly that what we do is alright as well. we really need to stop labelling people for what they choose to do in their spare time, because really, its none of your fucking business… kay?
that’s all.

-amber

Posted by amber christina at 17:45:56 | Permalink | Comments Off